What’s my age again?

After going out with a boy who looks young enough to be my son, a guy interviewing for a quick, cozy high school relationship and a guy who skateboarded to our first date, I was ready for a man and Mr. Grocery Store was wearing me down so I agreed to go out with him again. Don’t judge me. I was contemplating ways to ask him to buy me shiny things. That’s probably not helping with the judging thing.

On our planned date day, I didn’t hear from him to make plans. Yes, I could have texted him, but part of looking forward to dating a man is that you feel pursued and you know things will be handled.

I went for a run after work, probably too late to get ready for a date, but by that point I was over it. Apparently so was he. I heard from him at 6:45: “Sorry can’t make it another time.”

Wait, what?! I kinda think maybe it was part of a game…like I made it so hard for him to see me, that he decided to give me a taste of my own medicine and take back some of the power? I also kinda think I think too much. I didn’t respond.

The next day, I got this: “Emjaye. What a wuss!” Now I’m not even sure what this means. I was a wuss because I didn’t call him on his Wednesday bullshit?  Again, thinking too much to explain men who just don’t make sense. Again, didn’t respond.

Remember when I said I’d probably run into him everywhere after the last time I called things off? I didn’t. Apparently things weren’t awkward enough yet. After this most recent failed date, now it’s awkward enough so of course I ran into him! On Friday on my way into the gym I saw him before he saw me as we were walking toward each other. I waved and said hi and his reaction was priceless.

His initial reaction was to smile and his body language was open, but then I could see him remember the past few days and his shoulders hunched and he gave me a “I’m too cool” head nod and changed direction! Someone’s a sulky little boy.

So, my question is…WHAT would the point of dating someone old enough to be my dad be if he still acts like the late-20s dudes I am at least more attracted to and are better kissers anyway?!

But he’s SO cute.

I love HIMYM because it’s real and I can always relate it to my life. There’s an episode in which Barney describes the hot-crazy scale. A woman can be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. The first time I saw the episode, I wondered where I fell on the scale (I can admit I’m a little quirky), but now I realize it’s not just for chicks.

Last week, I signed up for Plenty of Fish (I know you see where this is going…this is obviously where all the crazies hang out). I was immediately over- and underwhelmed all at the same time, but I decided to actually give it a shot – a week – before bailing. Countless “hey” messages, too many emails from the westside and an unfortunate number of messages from younger guys filled up my inbox. Being on that site, the options are endless, so why would I waste time with a too-young guy who can’t write a decent message and lives an hour away? Delete, delete, delete.

I did manage to find a few decent guys, including one we’ll call Matt. Matt is mid-30s, a fit 6’3″ and if everyone supposedly looks like a celeb, he looks like Matt Damon (thus his super creative fake name). He works as a firefighter, but has a graduate degree and wrote a thoughtful first message. He seemed top-shelf for the site and I actually considered he was fake until he started bugging me to hang out. Not asking – bugging.

It came off as truly whiny and he was bugging me about it without actually asking me out for a specific day or time or activity – you know…like how NORMAL people make plans! I wanted to meet him, but I wasn’t going to cancel existing plans to do so and I wasn’t going to just stop by his work as he suggested because I’m not in high school. He told me I didn’t seem interested in meeting or learning about him. Womp, womp, womp.

Were we having out first fight?! Before we even met?!

So I had to have a CTJ with him about how dating works. He admittedly was a relationship guy and didn’t like dating. Ahem, because he’s BAD at it. Now, obviously I’m not the authority on the subject, but I know what works for me and generally I’ve found it vibes with most men as well. If there’s a spark, the guidelines all go out the window anyway and it just feels right and you don’t worry about it. It was not vibing with Matt.

He calmed down a bit, but still kept pushing, even on Saturday morning when we were meeting at 11. He sent me a text at 9:15 to ask if I could do earlier. Keep in mind, we had connected online I think on Wednesday and exchanged numbers on Thursday.

I told him I was starting a yoga class that got over at 10:45 and that’s when I’d be at the Starbucks across the street to meet him. So, yeah, that’s how excited I was about meeting this guy – I slid him in after a yoga class when I’d be sweaty and maybe a little stinky at the coffee shop I’d probably stop at on my way home anyway. He took note, but I don’t think he was all that offended.

Matt walked in a minute or so after me and looked just like his pictures – super cute, tall, solidly built. We got coffee, we grabbed a table outside, we had a conversation. Actually for about an hour and a half.

It was a normal date, but besides his super-quiet talking, something else was just a little off. Some of his conversation topics (past relationships), his future planning (I think he may have asked me to go with him to Oregon to his mom’s for Christmas?)…they just weren’t working. He was definitely trying to qualify me for this girlfriend position he apparently has open and I think he tried to have a CTJ with me about how I need to step it up and show interest.

I think I was distracted at the time – his eyes were beautiful, he had spectacular teeth and his shirt was just the right amount of tight – but I left feeling neither good nor bad about it. He bugged me to see each other again, but again without actually attempting to make plans. I again offered two days, he picked one.

On Tuesday, I realized we had talked over the weekend, but not on Monday and about that time got a “good morning, hope you have a good day” text from Matt. I responded with a “Thanks! You too!” And got an “okay, stranger.”

That was when I had to pull the trigger. I actually thought back and forth for a while, “he’s so cute…but he’s so weird…but he’s so cute, maybe he’s just awkward at first.” Ultimately I couldn’t get past it. I texted back to let him know while I appreciate his physical beauty and that we have things in common, we should skip Thursday because it wasn’t going to work out. He texted: “Agreed.”

Done and done.

I understand where he was coming from with his whining (although I obviously did not agree with his delivery)…he wanted to gauge chemistry and meet up and have me show interest, but you can’t force any of that and I really feel like he was trying to because we have similar interests and live somewhat close together and I think he liked my work schedule. Convenience does not a relationship make. And apparently neither does a guy just being really pretty to look at. It might have developed, but he didn’t give it any room to breathe, which is pretty much a flashing red flag that it is not going to work! He apparently saw it too, so why was he pushing it?!

Stop the texting madness!

I changed my number over the summer, which is nice because now a good number of men from my past can’t passively, randomly text me when they’re feeling lonely – I do feel bad for whoever got my old number though (I’ve had three people contact me through Facebook, Twitter and WWF to tell me they attempted to reach me at that number and got a “I don’t know you, stop texting me” message…and those are just the ones I’ve heard from)!

However, now that I’m online dating again, I feel like I might recreate that problem all over again, so I’m trying to not give out my number too much because I don’t want to endlessly text men I don’t know – which is what a lot of them seem to want to do!

How do you stop this?! This is what I mean by lonely, not like his penis is lonely, but like when he needs someone to chat over text with or something.

I actually met a man organically over the weekend – I was going to do a separate post, but I’ll just spill –

I was just talking with some girlfriends earlier in the weekend (including a new reader…hi, new reader!) about how to meet men and I said that guys don’t talk to me in public, which is true, I’m just unapproachable..I blame the chronic bitch face, but on Sunday I was kind of on the prowl. Straight hair (left over from a party the night before), a low-cut top, short shorts and tall wedges to hang out at not one, but TWO Starbucks and then the grocery store?! Yeah…so maybe my vibe was more welcoming than it usually is. This guy at the grocery store – so cliché! – teased me a little about how long I took to pick packaged salad and then made another comment…he was clearly just trying to talk to me, but I checked his hand and saw a ring, so kinda just walked away, but then as I wandered around, I wondered if I had misjudged what hand it was on and was going to find him and go with “sorry, I thought your ring was on your left hand, you can continue to hit on me” but we ran into each other again in the cheese/beer aisle and he struck up a convo on his own and I verified the ring was on the right hand and we chatted it up –

and he seemed normal, confident…asked me out and I thought we could be done with it until our date where we could get to know each other better, but he got home and started texting me, which is okay so then I have HIS number, but I didn’t need to text all evening or know what he was putting on his pizza. So, seriously, how do you stop this? I don’t want to be rude or have these guys think I’m not interested…although if they are the kind of people who endlessly text random info to strangers, perhaps I’m not interested!

[Today, he texted me a hey what’s up, but I kept it short, then just a bit ago, I got a “just finished a work out, my legs are so tired.” Not only do I not care, but it requires no response, so that’s what he got.]

Why don’t these men know to quit when they’re ahead?! Texting is totally killing romance and the excitement of meeting and getting to know someone new. I’m over it, but REALLY, how do you stop this?!

Also…since my hair was straight when we met, do I have to keep up the farce or just expose myself as a curly girl and get it out of the way?!

On Being a Booty Call

On Friday night/Saturday morning at 3am. On Monday night at 8pm.

Friday night was sexy time – lingerie the whole deal – even though I was asleep when the request text came in (and I’m going to defend myself here saying we had plans to meet up that night, but he ended up winning big at the casino until that late, but I’m not sure that makes this story “better”).

Monday was a little more unexpected and required a quick shave, but then a cute, casual look. As I was putting my comfy pants over my booty shorts and a tank top with the girls flying free underneath, I thought the outfit said cool, casual, hanging out, not trying too hard.

In case the outfit didn’t say it loud enough, I told myself, “I’m going to go over there and let him know I’m not a booty call. Yes, I’ll sleep with him, but I’m going to make it clear that I’m NOT a booty call.”

And then this annoying voice came out of nowhere and responded back to me, “If you’re not a booty call then don’t act like one.”

An aha moment indeed.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Let’s take a little mid-week, mid-family-drama laugh break, shall we?

This was in my inbox this morning:

Well, the guy was, the commentary was in my head. If you know this man, please tell him THAT is not going to work out for him.

I signed up for six months on Match, so naturally Lucky was the first man I went out with.

My profile is hidden, but I still get these match blasts every day and I like to look at them to see who I know. I recently got matched with two guys I’d already gone out with during different stints on the site and shortly after meeting Lucky, I got matched with his bestie (very glad I met Lucky first)!

Thursday, 3am

Mystery Man: 🙂
MM: Any chance you’re awake?
MJ: There’s a chance you just woke me up. Who is this?
MM: An old foe. With that said, you should resume your slumber.

I’m a sucker for an eloquent man, but there are few men I’ve dated that would use those words like that in that way, so I could guess, but the number wasn’t registering anything with me. It was local and the two I had narrowed it down to at “foe” had out-of-state numbers (so I thought).

MJ: I at least deserve an answer at 3am on Thursday. It is Thursday, right?
MM: You deserve a lot more. This is an old secret admirer that should be kept in the dark. Rainforest dark.

If you’ve been following along, you’d think that Non-Mush would be up since the other exes literally came back in chronological order. However, with the mention of Rainforest, the field was narrowed to one.

A younger man who was so not my type (emo before hipster was the new emo) with absolutely nothing going for him who stole my heart with his James Dean attitude and oozing sexuality when we worked together at an awful chain restaurant in an outlet mall the summer before my senior year of college.  Despite that, I wouldn’t let him get it in and I think that’s why he wanted me so much.  Who doesn’t want to be wanted?  Oh, the games we play in our early-twenties.

We talked off and on for maybe a year or so after that summer, but it’s literally been years since I’ve heard from him. On Thursday. At 3am. I’m beginning to think it’s time to change my number, but I would feel bad for whoever got it after me!

Sex and Red Flags

For those not familiar, eHarmony claims to be amazing not just because they match you with people based on compatibility, but also because they have a three-step guided communication process to get to know your matches (this is one of the reasons I find them to be actually just kind of annoying). 

The first step after viewing your match’s pictures thoughtfully written profile (that doesn’t actually contain very much, or very relevent, information) is to send five multiple-choice questions you pick from a list of about 25.

One of these questions is something to the effect of “how soon are you going to let me bang you after we meet?” Well, okay, it might be more along the lines of “what are your thoughts on premarital sex?” But, you KNOW what’s being asked.

And this is what kind of skeeves me out about online dating because sometimes it feels like, when it comes down to it, people like to touch other people’s naughty bits and now they’ve taken to the web to find someone who will allow them to do so.

Anyway, it’s kind of rare to get this question, but every now and then a guy will throw it in there and it always raises a suspiciously red-colored flag.  Like, really?  That’s the FIRST thing you need to know about me?  I’m sorry to have wasted your time reading the answers to my previous four questions.  You should have done the “skip to eHarmony mail” option and just asked me to send you a money shot. 

Anyway, one guy with a name fit for a four-year-old sent me this Q.  He was tall and I played along.  Plus, he was a pro golfer, and as Miley would say, “that’s pretty cool.”

Yes, the questions are multiple-choice, but there’s a “write your own” option and I usually write something like, “I don’t think it’s something that needs to be brought up at such an early stage.”

That apparently wasn’t a wrong answer and we continued through the comm stages and finally got to exchanging numbers and, like many lazy, lazy men in their 20s on dating sites, Toddler Name wanted to text endlessly.

We got into what we were looking for in a person and he said, among other things, “affectionate and likes to cuddle.” 

So I called him out.  “Ah, yes, you’re the one who awkwardly asked about sex right away.”

He said he went out with a girl who went off about how sex is a sin and realized he might as well find out early because it’s important to him.  For the record, I think it’s important, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker and I don’t think it should affect your decision to at least start to get to know someone. 

As I told him and other people I’ve had this discussion with, if it’s the right person, waiting shouldn’t be an issue because you’ll have the rest of your lives to fuck.  You’re not going to walk away from your soul mate because he or she won’t give it up before getting married. 

And yes, on the flip side, if it’s the right person, do it now or do it on your wedding day, who cares?  This is the person you love.  But, everyone has different beliefs and values and to each his or her own.

Toddler Name again asked how I felt and I again said, it doesn’t need to be discussed early on.  We had a bit of a strained conversation after that.

This whole sex thing was literally one of five red flags this guy waved in the text conversation, which only went on for an afternoon. 

So now the question is, since I’ve determined I have to kiss 12 frogs, since I don’t want to wait five months again (because five months takes us to September, just one month before weddingpalooza and I need something firmer than that…TWSS) do I go out with him just based on the fact that I know he’s gonna be a frog and he can help me kick off this aggravating process?

Now, I know the answer.  Put NO after his name in my phone and ignore, ignore, ignore, but I at least considered it.  I’m pretty sure going in with poor intentions will somehow throw off the system and I’ll end up having to do double duty or something – 24 frogs and 10 months! Oy vey.

I also realize I’m totally overthinking this, which I’ve discovered I do in the in-between.  Yes, I’ve been a dating maniac, going out with a lot of guys, wondering when I would walk away from the dating smorgasboard because I met nice guys but maybe I was BBDing* them just because I could? 

But when I found a guy who actually held my interest, the thinking disappeared.  I wanted to stand still with these guys (the two five-month bookends).  I wasn’t wondering when I would feel like NOT going on other dates, I was feeling it.

I’m too romantic and fragile for this.  So, until I find the next guy I want to stand still with and release my bated breath when he tells me he wants to stand still too, I’ll be over here overthinking.  And going out with tall d-bags who think inviting a woman over for a “movie” on not just a first date, but a first meeting, is appropriate (yeah, that was another of his red flags).

*BBDing = Bigger Better Dealing them (thanks, Patty Stanger)…liking what I had, but figuring if I could get that, I could get something even better, so constantly looking for that next, better thing.  It kinda sucks when you realize you weren’t BBDing, just seeking out something you deserve, but that you got BBDed in the process.

Like a Double Date. But Not.

I like to pretend I’m invisible.  I’ve moved around a lot recently and always feel “new” to whatever area I happen to live in and have this idea that I’m too new to run into people I know when I’m out and about. 

But I’m not.  Invisible or too new.

There was the time I ran into my boss at Blockbuster.  I had stopped in on my way out to meet a date.  In getting ready for the date I put on a super slutastic dress, but at the last minute decided to throw some jeans on underneath it and make it more of a long tunic.  Thank goodness.  I don’t need my boss looking at me everyday thinking about that time he almost saw my naughty bits when I was by myself at Blockbuster on a Saturday night.

Then there was last night when I went on a date with OBE.  The first since our debate date last week.  I kinda like him so we’ll see where we end up, but that’s not the point.  The point is that I ran into my hairstylist there.

Oh yeah, and a guy I went out with over the weekend.  And his date.

Such is the awkwardness of online dating.  You have to assume the other person is seeing other people as well, but it’s just kind of weird when you become a spectator to that date.  They sat maybe five feet away from us, but at the bar with their backs to us. 

I spent most of the night trying to sneak peaks because I wasn’t 100% sure it was actually him, although, I’m not sure how many 6’5″ strawberry blond (seriously, he’s adorable) Adonises (oh yeah, and kinda sexy) are lurking around town.  

Before they left (after two hours, my date with Adonis was four, just saying), to add another layer, OBE said, “I worked out with that guy the other day.  He lives in my apartment complex.”

OBE  lives a mile from the bar.  And to the best of my knowledge, Adonis lives by me, 15 miles north, which is why it was so odd to see him there in the first place.

I have come up with the following possibilities:

Initial reaction:  Adonis lied about where he lives.  And is actually married with lots of blonde ridiculously-sized babies.

On second thought:  Maybe there ARE a handful of 6’5″ strawberry blondies parading around town.  At least if it doesn’t work out with either of these guys, I can do a simple trade.

Or maybe:  OBE lied for some reason. Or also didn’t get a good look at the guy at the gym and/or bar.

I couldn’t take it anymore and had to find out. Through a series of text messages this morning, I have uncovered the following:

Yes, it was Adonis at the bar.  Although he initially said he was out with a friend (and we all know that guys call guy friends “buddies”) and asked why I didn’t say hey, I called him out and told him it would have been awkward on his date.  He said, “it is what it is” and I said, well my date, who thinks he knows you and that you live near him, might have minded. 

Adonis insisted he lived by me and laughed at the situation.

OBE said that he was pretty sure it was the guy from his gym, but that he could have been mistaken. And he asked me why and I had to ‘fess up.  And then my comment I had made about how Adonis was likely counting on his height and bicep muscles to override his ugly shoes and get him laid came back to bite me in the ass.

And then OBE laughed at the situation.   

Is there a manual for this somewhere?

So, faith in men and dating, particularly online dating, might be a little shaky right now.  But, I think the important thing to remember here is that I’m not crazy.  Or blind.

And that I laughed at the situation.

Online Dating Faux Pas

I have officially ripped off the band-aid that is TGISWOTSDAKHEFAWBOAKHFTD.  I was just too sad dealing with the slow dissolution.  I’m disappointed with how things ended and am lamenting the loss of what I thought it could have been, but I needed this for now.  He’s a good guy and we might try the friends thing in a bit, but for now we made a clean break. 

I spent Saturday (after the race) in bed, a combination of a short night’s sleep, a hangover, race recovery, desire to finish Gossip Girl season three and general mopeyness.  But on Sunday, I forced myself out again.  I had errands to run and needed some sunlight.

Once safely in my bed again, I signed up for a free online dating site.  I learned a lot from the boy and think I’m ready to change my dating attitudes and behaviors.  The only way to test these theories is to get back out there.

I’ve been on this dating site before, but took my profile down when I thought the boy was going to become a more consistent fixture in my life.  Less than 24 hours later, I’m reminded of all the awful things about online dating (perhaps it’s this site in particular).

Call it a lesson for the boys out there or a list of red flags…these are the faux pas that ensure the message will end up in the trash.

  • I don’t want to see your ugly/scary tattoos.
  • I don’t respond to “hey, how’s it going?”  Worst pick up line ever.
  • I don’t respond to a message that is so obviously copied and pasted from one girl to the next.  I just signed up and it’s really hard to write about yourself, so my profile is seriously lacking right now, so I really don’t believe a guy who thinks we have SOOO much in common and the same values and blah, blah, blah.
  • A few typos is understandable, an email riddled with them is unforgivable.
  • Yes, I know, I have a great smile, but put something else in your email.  I’ve already gotten into a completely obnoxious email exchange with a guy who mostly just wants to tell me how cute I am.  Duh, but, even I tire of talking about that after a while and you now appear to have no depth.
  • Similar to texts that have no point or call to action, if there’s no question in your message, something for me to respond to, I won’t.
  • I don’t enjoy pictures of your big boy toys.  Sorry, just not impressed.  I’m sure you will find a lovely girl seeking her yo-dude, but it’s not going to be me.
  • Repeated messages asking why I haven’t responded are not cute, they’re pathetic.  Confidence is key, take your dignity and move along.
  • Don’t use the “what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” line or any variation of it.  Don’t tell me that you can’t believe I have any kind of trouble meeting guys.  Obviously I do and the fact that you think I shouldn’t doesn’t make me like you any more.  It makes me want to eat lots of ice cream because despite all outward appearances, apparently there is something wrong with me AND now I’m worried about the quality of people I’m going to meet here.  I should probably just go to the free clinic and start hitting on the guys who look relieved and a little surprised by their results.

Part of my new attitude about dating is that it’s a numbers game, so I’m willing to participate for now.  I will try to be a good sport, but just not with any of the guys who regularly engage in the above activities.  The idea is that it will all be worth it in the end, so I’m okay with being back in the trenches for now.