The Line

I’ve often wondered where my line would be if I started gaining weight.  This weekend I found it.

I don’t feel like I look like I’ve gained weight but I know I have because my jeans have gotten uncomfortable.  That was easy to blame on them just coming out of the dryer.  I thought about buying new jeans so I could be comfortable, but I don’t particularly like jeans and really have no use for them for the next seven months. 

Perhaps when you’ve given up on wearing your jeans in favor of flowy dresses, that could be the line, but it wasn’t.

While sometimes I curse the scale because it can have such an influence over a day, I’m glad I have it because the scale doesn’t lie and you can’t make excuses for it.  Without it, maybe I would have bought those bigger jeans and then another pair and then another.  Without the scale, I might have been one of those people whose wake up call is a picture of someone she doesn’t recognize until she double takes and realizes it’s her.

I crossed the line when I climbed on the dreaded scale on Sunday and saw 126.  I kinda always thought my line would be 130, but 126 was all I needed.  Yes, it still falls in the “normal” range for my height (5’3″) and yes, I know a lot of people would love to see 126 on their scale, but this is about me. 

The me who was at 122 after the holidays and pledged to lose five pounds in January. FAIL.  The me who thought I would at least lose those five pounds by the end of the WWW Challenge.  FAIL.  The me who works out six days a week.  NOT FAIR.

I promptly threw the scale under my bed.  Don’t get me wrong, it will be back with weekly appearances, but I’m not going to weigh myself daily anymore.  

I didn’t want to do a weight loss goal for the Spring Fever Challenge, but now I think I might because I don’t feel as clueless.  At the beginning of the year, I honestly thought it was holiday weight that would melt off on its own.  Now I can admit it’s going to take more work. 

I see the path that got me here and (I hope) I see the path that will get me back.  I’m not ready to write about it yet, at this point I’m just ready to say I found my line and I’m retreating.


Life's Journey with a SmileMy 10 goals are:

  1. Lose 5 pounds in January and maintain (starting is 122.6).
  2. Sign up for a new dating site in February (assuming Mr. Amazing doesn’t waltz in before that).
  3. Climb the seven summits of Phoenix in seven days.
  4. Make a real meal at least once a week.
  5. Adopt a pet.
  6. Get a bike and decrease my gas usage.
  7. Write my guest post for The Chick Lit Bee.
  8. Roll over my 401(k)s.
  9. Do six things with friends (happy hours, game nights, etc.).
  10. Find and participate in a volunteer opportunity.

This week’s questions:

1.  What have you done this past week to help you achieve your goals?

I bought a bike and crossed off that goal! I’m still a little timid on it, so I’m not at the “decrease gas useage” stage yet, but it’s definitely a good time to start that!

I actually cooked a lot this week, including a veggie burger with roasted reds and brinner and recreating a BBQ chopped salad.

I controlled my eating a lot better this week than I have in a long time.  I wasn’t snacking as much.  I ate up all the good for me groceries I stocked last week and had veggies at every meal (well, lunch and dinner) and fruit as snacks.  I got a little cranky and started craving chocolate, but the Reese’s I bought in a moment of weakness is still sitting in my pantry.  Plus I was so excited to go out and ride my new bike, I did a few two-a-day workouts.  I think diversifying my workouts (and the more mindful eating) is really going to help me in my weight loss goal.

2. With one week left, what is your plan?

Keep up the status quo.  I feel accomplished in the challenge so far, but now see that adopt a pet isn’t going to happen for me right now, so I’m going to make my meal for the week and, as I said, focus on exercise and eating well, to make progress, even though my 5 pounds probably isn’t going to work either.

3. What was the highlight of your week?

Getting and riding my bike.  It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time and being on it made me feel like a kiddo again!  Oh, and yesterday, I went with my mom to see Maya Angelou talk and it was incredible.  If there’s a tough old lady who’s going to make you stand up and own your life, it’s her!  And she’s funny too!

4. Did you have a down point? If so, how did you push past it?

Going to my friend’s mom’s funeral on Saturday was really tough.  Beyond the sadness of the occasion, there was also the reminder of how short life is and feeling like I haven’t done much and being frozen thinking I can’t and that my life as I want it hasn’t even started yet. 

But, it was also a reminder of how short life is.  Yes, I know, I already said that, but now I mean it in the opposite way.  I was reminded that I can be frozen with the overwhelmingness of it all or I can go after what I want, be who I want to be and at the end of it all, whether it’s sooner or later, have people say wonderful things about me like they did about my friend’s mom, who died way too young but lived the entire width of her life.

5. Fun Question of the Week: What’s your favourite television show from the past? Presently?

Over the past few weeks I have become obsessed with Being Erica, which I think counts as both past and present because I love it now, but I’m catching up on old episodes.  You know you have a problem when Hulu reminds you that you’ve been watching for three hours and asks if maybe you want to take a break!  All time, I’d say I was really into LOST and currently watch  How I Met Your Mother almost daily.

Positive picture of the week:

I made this based on a quote from Being Erica (obsessed)!

My Journey Into Mental-Health-Issues-Land

I have a massage scheduled after work today, but I’m just guessing it’s going to take more than 60 minutes for the therapist to pull my shoulders down from my ears.  I have been so tense and anxious for the past few days, and while I can pinpoint a few potential triggers I cannot figure out how to calm the fuck down. 

Spin calmed me down for a bit last night, but what with my already racing heart, purposefully trying to raise my heart rate was probably not the healthiest idea.  Post-spin, my formerly-knotted stomach was calm enough to realize how hungry I actually was and I ate my first good meal in days, but this morning it’s right back to only being able to handle black coffee and water. 

On the upside, I might meet my weight loss goal for the month much quicker than anticipated.  Like tomorrow.

Panic attacks are NOT supposed to last this long.

UPDATE:  Less than an hour later, perhaps as a combination of writing it out, discussing anxiety-inducing issues via text with the new guy and running to Sprouts for some Bach Rescue Remedy (and taking said Remedy) at lunch, I feel better.  A good scientist would have kept some control variables to discover what the actual cure was, but there was no time.  I’m just glad to no longer be going crazy.