Relationships Urban Legends

Another old boyfriend married.  I feel like I dodged one though because he’s not that cute? I’d post his picture but that would be mean since I just called him not cute, so just agree. And he’s a boy gymnast? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…hi, yum:

But, when you’re 15 and DON’T look like that, it does carry a little stigma. True story: I dated TWO male gymnasts in high school.

Anyway, this recently married one was the first and we “went out” in the 10th grade. According to my memory, that means we kissed on a roof once, his mom drove us to a goofy golfing double date, he touched my leg at lunch and I lied to his ex about dating him because she and I were kinda friends in math class, but then she found out and she wasn’t really all that mad.  So I’m not all that torn up about it and I don’t think it makes me a wife fluffer.

I’ve yet to have an ex marry the one right after me, which is good, I’m not sure I could handle that. I’m losing count, but there are many marriages and babies and even second marriages amongst men from my past.  Oy.

He married my sister’s best friend’s best friend from dance, but I’m still not sure how they met because she didn’t go to our high school and she’s a bit younger.  Just a small world, I guess.

They apparently had a long back and forth relationship and he didn’t always treat her right (via my sis’s friend who didn’t always like this guy for her other friend)…one of those relationship urban legends that single women cling to when they’re not where they want to be in a relationship. 

As in, “it’s okay that he is constantly on his phone when we’re together and when we’re not and I text him he takes four hours to respond because my cousin’s best friend’s hair dresser had a client who dated a guy for three years and he kinda treated her like that, but THEN he married her.”

Probably not the kind of reinforcement I need in my life right now.

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If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?

Quick recap:  My sister is getting married next month.  In the year that she’s been engaged, she has become a self-consumed bridezilla.  My parents are also eating, sleeping and breathing the wedding.  I’ve been avoiding the fam because I’m over it.  I’m over it because she’s a self-consumed bridezilla, there are more important things in life and my feelings are hurt because she asked her best friend to be her maid of honor over me (I’m a bridesmaid).  Got it?  Good.  Moving on.

Yesterday, I got an email (an email?!) from my sister asking if I would be willing to/comfortable/okay with giving a toast at the blessed event. I sat on it for a while because, well, that’s a duty for the maid of honor.  She even mentioned in the email that the best man was giving the other toast. 

Finally, I responded that I had believed I was off the hook for the speech, but if the MOH had declined, I’d be fine to give one. 

She responded that the MOH would be okay to give one or not, but her preference was that I give the toast. Well…maybe she should have thought of that when she was selecting her attendants.

I said fine.  I’m not sure I meant it.  Obviously, she’s not my favorite person right now.  I’m concerned I won’t have anything heartfelt to say. 

I’m concerned the uncomfortable emotions I’ve been feeling toward her and my family and the event will be overwhelming on the big day.  I am already embarrassed that I’m standing up as a bridesmaid and I’m concerned I’m going to feel embarrassed getting up to speak for my sister who didn’t want me to be her MOH.

On the flip side, I’m concerned if I DON’T do it, I’ll regret missing the once-in-a-lifetime (?) opportunity to toast my sister on her wedding day.

She asked because the venue needed to know, so I feel like it’s a time-sensitive issue (because heaven forbid you ask the DJ to change the announcement with anything less than two weeks notice), but I can’t figure out the right answer.  If I change my mind, I imagine she’ll be more upset about the fact that I’m messing up the plans than concerned that I’m hurting.  Maybe that’s enough to decide right there.

What would you do?

Priorities

Lucky and I had a talk about priorities last night. It wasn’t a great talk, but it was an important talk. It was a “good for you, bad for us” talk. Basically I want more than he can give right now and he knows that and doesn’t want to disappoint me, so we’re…well, who knows what we’re doing? We’re going to make it up as we go I guess.

He’s entwined in my life in many different ways right now, so we’re definitely entering a learning phase of this relationship.

While his priorities are elsewhere, mine are too. For the next month or so, my priorities are:

  • Closing on my condo, moving and decorating.  Remember when I mentioned that Lucky is my realtor? Yeah, entwined.
  • Tanning. I got a good base at the beginning of the summer, but since then, Arizona broke some kind of heat record so going outside wasn’t really an option, let alone LAYING around outside. It’s cooling down (low 100s!) and with a few weekends left until my sister’s wedding – and my new, darker hair that’s giving me a Snow White complex – I would like to build that tan back up.
  • Getting skinny(er). Okay, so my goals for the wedding are to be skinnier and more tan than my sister. There, I said it.  One of us gets to be the married sister and one of us gets to be the hot sister.  Both goals are pretty much slam dunks at this point since she stayed in her I’m-in-a-happy-relationship-so-it-doesn’t-matter-what-I-look-like frame of mind and never achieved full bridezillaness with any crash diets or crazy workouts.  If anything, she might go fake-bake and we would have an orange situation on our hands, but that would just be funny.  
  • Avoiding wedding talk. T-minus 37 days.  Can it just be over already?  It really is at a critical level at this point and I have had about enough. My feelings were legitimately hurt when I went to brunch at my parents’ house this weekend and my future bro-in-law was the only one to actually ask me anything about what is going on in my life. He’s my new favorite. I usually feel guilt when I avoid FFF, but I feel worse when I have to listen to them talk about that shit for hours. Luckily, my move gives me a nice excuse to stay on my side of town (if they ever thought to ask anyway).
  • Reading. I need a good, distracting book to lose myself in. I just finished one and am going to the library today for my next few victims.
  • Catching up with my favorite TV shows when they return for the fall season and scope out some of the new stuff that is, thank goodness, not reality TV!
  • Avoiding exes. I think I successfully offended #2 when I congratulated him on achieving the lifestyle he always wanted to rub my face in (yes, he literally said that to me once), but letting him know I was still unimpressed without mentioning new boyfriend’s(?) lifestyle and all the cool things I’ve got going on (not that he asked either…good thing I’ve got my blog, I’d have no outlet to talk about myself incessantly otherwise). See ya!

I promise there’s some legit shit going on as well, my life is actually fulfilling with a small part devoted to this fluff, but I save that for my other blog.  For you?  I let it all hang out.  Gosh, you’re welcome 😉

Time is on my side.

My sister’s bridal shower is this afternoon and mostly, I can’t believe it’s here.  One thing (among many) that has bugged me about my sister’s upcoming wedding is the fact that she had such a long engagement. In all honesty, it was probably pretty average. They have been engaged for a yearish and their wedding is next month (“41 days,” she would gleefully pipe in here), so 14 months altogether.

I know there are plenty of people who do the multi-year engagements and I apologize if that’s you and I know everyone has their own reasoning for such things, but I don’t get it. I worked in the events industry for about two years and know first hand it doesn’t take that long to plan a wedding.

I also know first hand that a long engagement drives the people around you crazy. Even my mom, who is thrilled to be a MOB and has seemed to delight in the process thus far, said recently that my sis was in super wedding mode and that’s all she talks about or something to that effect. This confused me because my mom said it like it was a recent development.  Maybe she hasn’t been paying attention for the last year?

This incessant wedding talk and her perception that she is the most important person in the room at all times and her wedding is on everyone’s mind constantly might be why I am bothered by the long engagement, it might also be because it’s not how I would do it and obviously my way is right and much better.

In fact, just this morning, I decided I’m totally eloping or something very similar.  Yep, I said it here first, so mark my words.  No need for the fuss, the ridiculous cost or the hushed drama of a big production.  When I get hitched, I just want to get hitched.

I have also considered that the long, drawn out engagement bugs me because I am actually excited about it as well and would like for it to be here because it will be a fun event. The thing is, though, that when they picked their date last year, I thought it sounded so far away, yet now it seems so close.

With the shower, the bachelorette party, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and actual wedding all hurdling toward me, I’ve realized that events that seem so far in the future will arrive regardless of how I spend the interim.  The time passes if I spend it enjoying the moments just as it will pass if I wish away those moments for events or milestones.

It’s truly not that I’m so unhappy in the present, it’s just that my mind is always thinking ahead to what’s next and I know I miss out.  The big picture in the future is built by the small pictures right now anyway, right?

Like the inability to recognize freedom of choice, I’m good at noticing this fatal error in other people, but not controlling it in myself.  A friend recently posted to Facebook that she wished it was two weeks from now so she would be a flight to Europe.  I’m not great friends with her, so I didn’t feel comfortable replying, but I would have loved to tell her that, yeah, Europe is great, but so are all the little moments that she will experience in the next 14 days before she leaves.

I didn’t tell her, but I’ll tell myself.  In the next 41 days before my family from the midwest descends on beautiful Arizona, before I don a terrible dress, but adorable shoes, before Lucky twirls me around the dance floor, I will be enjoying (and reminding myself to enjoy when needed) the in-between.

Don’t Be That Girl

As with all big life events, I found out about my friends’ engagements via Facebook last week. Actually FOUR of my friends announced engagements online in the past week, one of whom is divorced and therefore officially lapping me, COME ON!

But we’re going to talk about the friends who are marrying each other. I grew up with the guy and got to know and become friends with his girlfriend once they got together.

His announcement was a “She said yes!” That’s cute, that’s sweet. And then he posted pictures of the (absolutely ridiculous) ring. That makes me want to throw up.

Her announcement was, “FINALLY!!!”

Yes.  With three exclamation points.  That makes me hate the player AND the game. I mean, really? As the dude, doesn’t that make you want to kind of take it back?

Lately I’ve been wondering when you go from being a normal person who wants to spend the rest of her life with a wonderful man and celebrate that with something simple and fun surrounded by family and friends to someone who dresses up nine of her “closest” female friends in obnoxious, expensive dresses and arranges the ladies in order of height, hands the DJ a three-page long DO NOT PLAY list and threatens to cut her poor, wonderful man because he said he liked the calla lilies over the Leonidas roses, or worse, that he didn’t have a preference.

When I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago, I decided that if I could hide a pregnancy, I would because the second you start to show, everyone and their mom wants to talk to you about their pregnancies and babies.

EVERYTHING at the shower was met with a “when I had my Marsha…” or “that’s the best [fill in ridiculous baby apparatus]” and even a few, “well, that’s nice, but my Marsha always preferred…” from one of the attendees in particular. Mommyjacking at its finest.

Being a relatively small person, for some reason people like to comment on the fact that when I do get pregnant I’m going to be huge and I’ll be put on bed rest and can I even physically have kids? Mind your own business…why are you even talking to me about this?!

Whatever, I might look a little silly.  Or adorable, we’ll call it adorable. It’s not often you see a small woman on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. As a healthy 120-pounder (with abs that I’m already mourning the loss of), I’m sure other people will notice when I start growing a basketball on my front side.

But as long as I can hide it, I will because I do not need nine months of people telling me how I’m going to do everything wrong and how hard it is and that my names are stupid (I already know that, but I like them).

Similarly, as much as I’ll want to be THAT girl who tells the whole internet what a tool my fiance is for taking so freaking long to propose and then bore them with the obnoxious details of wedding planning, I do fully intend to hide that.

I’m not the first person in the world to get married and since everyone who’s ever planned her own wedding considers herself a wedding planner extraordinaire. I see a long engagement as an invitation for months of unsolicited advice being thrown at me about what they did right and what I’m doing wrong. No thanks.

And that’s how I feel for now. You know, until a man puts a ring on it and I turn bat-shit crazy.

My family should think before they speak.

Quotes of the weekend:

My dad to me:
“Well, I don’t know how she can stand to be around YOU.”
In context, truthful.  Out of context, ROO!

My sister to her bridesmaids (well, the two who are NOT already knocked up):
“Keep your legs together until the wedding, ladies.”
If she were kidding, funny.  She’s not = bridezilla.

And in other wedding news, we ordered dresses yesterday and I’m an eight.  I know they’re sized “big,” but I definitely cringed at that one.  AND, I saw this ad yesterday…

I don’t even know what it is, but Kristen Wiig + Maya Rudolph + Melissa McCarthy + John Hamm = I’m in!

The What-What

Update: My non-boyfriend Facebook boyfriend let the request hang for about 24 hours before figuring it out and changing his status back.  I feel bad for him, but seriously, dude, tread lightly when it comes to Facebook relationships. 

I’ve got a lot of reading to do this weekend if I want to get off to a good start with my resolution of one fiction and one non-fiction book per month (it WAS the first one on the list after all).  I’m 3/4 of the way through Racing Weight and about 30 pages into Jodi Picoult’s Handle With Care. How about we just call it 12 of each for the year?

People with children have no boundaries.  My boss did not think twice about giving me the detailed play-by-play of how his two boys handled having the flu all week.  And someday I will likely do the same to my poor, unsuspecting coworkers.

I’m wanderlusting big time.  Belize is on the top of my list.  Well, was, and then this week, I saw this.  Maybe Europe.  And although I’m bummed that it probably won’t be 2011, that doesn’t mean it can’t be January 2012!

This weekend is the first bridesmaids dress shopping adventure with Bridezilla my sister.  Direct quote from an email I JUST got from her: “My dress is HERE! There will be many more times I will need to go in for fittings [ed. note: lies…she measured a perfect size 2 and I imagine it will fit like a dream] so this is to try it on just because I CAN!” I’m sorry, I get that she’s excited (and that I will likely be just as obnoxious when it’s MY turn), but is it October yet?  In other wedding news, my other October bride is a dream, but I think two of the bridesmaids are going to throw down before the big day.

My first half-marathon is tomorrow!  My long run a few weeks ago took me over the distance of the race, so I should be fine, but it also left me with a knee injury and I haven’t been training as much as I’d have liked in the past two weeks.  The doubting voices in my head have a few other things to say as well, but in 21 hours I’m going to shut them up and hit the pavement.

That will probably be the last mention of wellness and running here because I’m posting on that over at my new wellness blog!  The one I kinda skimmed over here.  It is my second attempt at a public blog (my last one bombed because it didn’t have a focus).  I’m struggling with keeping one anon and one public blog and building readership of both.  If anyone has tips, I’d love to hear them!  And if anyone would like to continue to read about my fitness adventures and kitchen mishaps, email me at emjaye [at] ymail [dot] com and I will be glad to send you the link!

I’m staying at my parents’ house over the weekend because they are closer to the race and to the dress shop and civilization in general.  And because they’re out of town.  And I’m totally having a party.  Well, not really.  I’m on the fence about asking my ArtWalk guy over to make dinner (date #2 was not as great as that first one) or inviting some friends over for a game night.  Yeah, I’m 26, but it still feels like I’m breaking the rules!

Oh yeah, and I need advice about ArtWalk guy.  When do you call an attempted relationship off?  There are no red flags, just a lackluster date, but the first was good!  Do we try again in a different environment?

Letting Go

Reverb 10, Day 5 Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Quirk alert:  I pick future wedding dates. 

I think it was working in a hotel catering office for a year where we planned a ton of weddings and I had endless calendars for booking future dates at my fingertips.  On occasion, I would scroll a few years ahead and pick lovely sounding dates for my own nuptials. 

One of mine was May 1, 2010.  On May 1, I watched my best friend get married.  I “gave” the date to her when she started her planning and it just worked out well with their plans.  It was a beautiful wedding and I couldn’t have picked a better couple to celebrate that day.

It’s not that I let go of my date, it’s that this year, I let go of the idea that I would be married by a certain age.  I let go of the handful of men I thought at one point that I might marry. 

I thanked my lucky stars that I’m not married to the other handful of men I dated that were not at all right for me, whether I knew it at the time or not.  I thanked my lucky stars that I’m not married at all, because it’s not about the perfect date and being married by the perfect age, it’s about the right man at the right time who will work with me to create a wonderful marriage. 

I still have the idea of getting married on my parents’ anniversary in the back of my mind, but the year is TBD.