The Valentine’s Post

I don’t remember what I was doing a year ago tomorrow, or two years ago yesterday, but because our culture tells us that TODAY is important, I remember what I was doing.

Two years ago, I went on a low-key date and the next day celebrated the Valentine’s Day holiday for real with a man who I thought was going to propose and the thought made me want to puke.

Last year, I went out with Rebel and we had a huge fight, which he thought was just another fight, but opened the door allowing me to fully pull off the band-aid of that relationship, leaving him a little stunned.

I went back and looked at my posts from last year at this time (totally a good reason in itself to keep up with blogging) and holy shit, I kind of treated poor Rebel like crap. He thought we were Facebook status-ready and I was dating whoever, whenever I wanted and actively trying to meet new guys!

We’ve been talking recently and I really feel bad for him because he tells me he misses me and other things that make me realize that “relationship” was so much bigger to him than it was to me and it’s such a reminder that I’ve been on that side of unbalanced relationships before , which on one hand makes me think I need to get over them, but on the other hand, I’m all about feeling my feelings and if that’s how I felt about them, that’s okay.

I am over those past relationships and I guess I’m just trying to figure out where my relationship with Lucky falls in the spectrum of balanced/unbalanced relationships.  At different times, for different reasons, it feels like both. 

When I think of these last two “boyfriends”  I’ve spent VDay with, I remember that they were volatile relationships with real fighting.  Lucky and I have had our ups and downs, but it’s never been because we don’t like each other or are mad at one another or someone has done something the other didn’t like.  Our ups and downs are because we’re future-thinking and see trouble ahead because of family issues (well, he does anyway). 

So, right now we’re up.  Last week, what was, I suppose, meant to be a booty call turned into a talk…a good talk, a catch-up talk and then a talk about where we’ve been and where we’re going.  We didn’t even get down and dirty at all.  It was what we needed. 

And now? We’re dating.  We’re hanging out.  We’re having fun.  That was the essence that got us off to such a great start and we’re getting back to all of that. 

And because we reconciled right before this cliché holiday, I’m kinda all about it.  We’re low-keying it tonight and doing an official celebration next weekend.

The Check-In Text

As I kind of mentioned, I’ve been talking to Lucky off and on. I initially felt like I couldn’t tell him enough that I wanted to be with him regardless of the family situation, but then I found enough. I could only hear him say, “I want to be with you too, BUT…” so much until I really heard what he was saying.

So, since then, our communication has been at his initiation. Genuine phone calls to make sure I’m doing okay with all the stress.  We slip back into the easy conversation we’ve always had.  While the “how did this go?” and “what’s going on with this?” questions remind me how nice it is to be his person and have him be my person, they’re also a sad reminder that we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to and we’re updating each other on things that have long since passed. 

They’re friendly phone calls, no real flirting, no real talk of seeing each other, no endless DTR talk, which is nice, but I’d like to be skipping it because we’re on the couple side, not the couple of friends side, but that’s just how it is on the phone calls.

But then there are the check-in texts.

Last week, he initiated contact with a sad we’re apart text and we texted throughout the day about wanting to be together, but by the end of the day, he wanted to be with me BUT again.

It’s not fair and I told him such. I told him he was checking in to make sure I was still in love with him and I was, but if he didn’t think we could be together then it wasn’t fair and I needed space.

Uh, yeah, I told him I loved him (we were on the phone by this point, but I still would like to say it to him face-to-face). His response was the same. So, yeah, we’re in love post-break up (we hadn’t said it before). Awesome.

Probably a few weeks ago at this point, I got a text from Rebel. Hope everything is okay, miss your face, blah blah blah. But I didn’t respond. I feel a little guilty because I know what it’s like to be on the other end where you put yourself out there and don’t get a response. Even though it was in a friendly way, there’s more emotion behind a check-in text like that and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that. I feel like I did him a favor, but hurt him at the same time.

So, now I’m left wondering why it’s easy(ish) to ignore him while I’m quasi-ignoring Lucky until he wants to come back and then hanging on every word while he keeps me at arm’s length.

Well, I mean, I KNOW why…Rebel was not for me, he always liked me more than I liked him and I love Lucky, but my brain knows I need to move on.  It should be easier since my brain KNOWS he’s playing games, but I guess my heart HOPES he’s not.

The Other Side, Again

So, as I bragged about in my WWW post for the week, I got rid of Rebel.  First of all, what kind of cold-hearted woman BRAGS about breaking up with someone?  What kind of woman gives herself so much credit anyway?

Things with R were not serious, there had been no L word mentioned (but there were red roses on V-Day…women read into that and I think men know that, so WTF?) and while, I think we were both kinda like, “you’re cool, I like hanging out with you,” I don’t think he was madly in love with me and I broke his poor, little heart by any means.

In fact, after going back and forth on a few issues, I said that we weren’t going to work out was because I was looking for something serious and he just wasn’t that.  After refuting all of my other reasons, to THAT, he was kind of like, “yeah, okay.”

So there you have it.  I can’t blame him for not wanting anything serious in his life right now and he can’t blame me for seeking it. 

But, I know if it were up to him, we would have trucked along with the status quo.  The break up was definitely one-sided and I have guilt over it and am a little sad for the loss of him as a friend. 

So yesterday when he posted something on Facebook about how it’s weird to go from talking to someone every day to just not, I sent him a text, being all, “no it’s cool, we can still talk, let’s be friends, let’s do all the stuff we talked about doing before.”  And I would truly be fine with that – because nothing has changed for me. 

I thought of him as a good friend before and basically it just took me some time to tell him that.  But to him, we were in a romantic relationship and, at least for the time being, I was his someone.  Until I called an audible.

Kinda like exactly what happened to me in November.  And the November guy legitimately wanted to be friends.  And so did I, at first, because I thought it would lead to him realizing how awesome I am and how lame he was for thinking otherwise.  But, just because his feelings weren’t there, didn’t mean mine could just go away and it was best for me to not see him at all anymore.

So when Rebel didn’t respond to my text, I was a  little hurt, but understood.  It’s not fair to tell someone that he’s awesome and you still want to hang out, but that it’s not going anywhere and eventually you’re going to want to make out and stuff with other guys instead of him.  You can’t have it both ways. 

I’m glad I’m on this other side again.  My guilt over ending things is nothing compared to the guilt I felt for keeping him on my hook.  Most importantly, I am really glad my boyfriend spot is free.

I’m totally loving Jerrod Niemann’s painfully true song, What Do You Want?, right now.  So, please enjoy his panty-dropping voice singing about the selfishness and heartache of staying in touch with exes:

 

WWW8

Life's Journey with a SmileMy 10 goals are:

  1. Lose 5 pounds in January and maintain (starting is 122.6).
  2. Sign up for a new dating site in February (assuming Mr. Amazing doesn’t waltz in before that).
  3. Climb the seven summits of Phoenix in seven days.
  4. Make a real meal at least once a week.
  5. Adopt a pet.
  6. Get a bike and decrease my gas usage.
  7. Write my guest post for The Chick Lit Bee.
  8. Roll over my 401(k)s.
  9. Do six things with friends (happy hours, game nights, etc.).
  10. Find and participate in a volunteer opportunity.

This week’s questions:

1.  What have you done this past week to help you achieve your goals?

I hiked the seven peaks this weekend!  I started Thursday and finished up today!  I’m so glad I stuck with it and truly feel accomplished.

I signed up for Match.com.  I’m testing the waters and doing their three-day trial.  I don’t know if it’s much different from the free sites I’ve been on, so I might cancel and go eHarmony.  Until the end of the month, they are offering their three-month subscription for $20 a month.  I love me a discount.

I finally talked to my boss about how to get over the hurdle that’s tripping me up with my 401(k)s and I got the rollover check from one of old companies.

For my home-cooked meal, I made a pasta with some veggies I had that needed to be used. 

2.  Pretty much everywhere this past week experienced some mild weather – did this change have any effect on you?

I had already planned to do my hiking this weekend (because it was long, so I got an extra day), but I got one day in before our spring-like weather vanished.  The temps dropped 20 degrees and it rained for most of the weekend!  I might have rescheduled, but I really wanted to cross this one off this week.  I managed to get out when it wasn’t actually raining, but still overcast and cool, which was kinda nice!

3.  Walk us through your ideal workout.

Eek, I have too many to pick from.  I’d rank them like this:

1.  A long, body-is-working-with-me-not-against-me run
2.  A spin class with a young, hip teacher who plays music that keeps me from checking the clock every five minutes
3.  A two-hour hike that barely feels like working out because I’m out in the sunshine and enjoying the views, but that I feel the next day (yeah, this is a new one!)
4.  Warm up on the elliptical, 40 minutes with weights and sexy men who are more concerned with checking themselves out, but still and finish with a cardio sesh on Stairmaster + actually remembering to roll and stretch

I guess it’s safe to say my ideal workout is one where I don’t pay attention to the fact that I’m working out!

4.  What happened in the last week that you have to brag about?

Um, I hiked seven mountains in five days! 

AND, I finally ended things with a guy who was mostly just parked in my boyfriend spot, but that I knew needed to be towed.  Poor Rebel.  But, I’m a people-pleaser and hate confrontation and being the breakupper, so it was a big step in terms of taking care of #1 aka, doing what’s best for ME.

5.  Fun Question of the Week: Spring Fever has hit the stores… what’s your favourite thing to shop for in the Spring?

Dresses!  I live in dresses in the spring, summer and fall (and sneak them in when I can in winter), so I love stocking up on cheap, cute sundresses and t-shirt dresses.  I went into Target the other day and was thrilled to see they are starting to get their dresses out.  My budget for this month wasn’t having any of it, so sadly, I had to leave empty handed, but I reminded myself that next month they’ll probably have even more options!

Positive picture:  My favorite pic I took this weekend, from the top of Camelback Mountain!

 

Oh HELL no. That did not just happen.

What didn’t just happen, you ask?

I did not have a (very realistic) dream that I was pregnant. I blame Bridezilla my sister.  We went bridesmaid dress shopping over the weekend and not only is her other bridesmaid (her soon-to-be sister-in-law) pregnant, she has total baby brain, so pregnancy was a dominant conversation theme. 

Yes, the woman who is having a 14-month engagement is already plotting her 2-month wedding-to-knocked up turnaround.  And she bought a mom car last week. I’m assuming the mom jeans are next.  Perhaps that’s just how competitive I am.  Ha!  I’ll show her, I’ll great dream-pregnant and push one out first! 

I don’t have them ALL that often, but pregnancy dreams used to scare me.  You know, back when I was getting some?  I was in no way ready for a baby and was always concerned that it was my subconscious’ way of telling me I was, in fact, with child.  Yeah, totally not getting any and totally not prego.

I did not miss my ex-ex-boyfriend recently and consider emailing him to tell him that I was sorry and wrong and that he was right, my recent decision to go for what I deserve in love was really just me flirting with bitchiness and we should get back together and I’ll be a good little wifey, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

I did not then think about how TGISWOTSD was supposed to get me over the ex-ex and then get kinda sad about him too.  But with way less desire (like none) to contact him.  Funny how the [quasi-]good guy is easier to stay away from than the toxic one. Probably because one of the last things TGISWOTSD said to me was that he just didn’t see our relationship going where I did and one of the last things the ex-ex told me was that I was his one.  Who doesn’t want to be wanted?

I did not consider just sleeping with Rebel and getting it over with in an attempt to make a rebound actually work for me for once because I know that replacing a hurt with a disappointment doesn’t actually work for me.

I did not get propositioned for sex on OK Cupid.  I mean, there’s absolutely NO WAY I actually got a message that said “so would ya hook up if it was worth it enough?Ive kinda had a fantasy but havent had a chance for it to happen.”  Horrible sentence structure aside, ew. 

I did not realize today is my half-birthday in a mild panic.  Or maybe if I did, I realized that six months is long and I’ve got some time to become even more awesome before I turn 27.

Nope, none of that stuff happened.  I have a completely normal and healthy subconscious and love life.

The What-What

Update: My non-boyfriend Facebook boyfriend let the request hang for about 24 hours before figuring it out and changing his status back.  I feel bad for him, but seriously, dude, tread lightly when it comes to Facebook relationships. 

I’ve got a lot of reading to do this weekend if I want to get off to a good start with my resolution of one fiction and one non-fiction book per month (it WAS the first one on the list after all).  I’m 3/4 of the way through Racing Weight and about 30 pages into Jodi Picoult’s Handle With Care. How about we just call it 12 of each for the year?

People with children have no boundaries.  My boss did not think twice about giving me the detailed play-by-play of how his two boys handled having the flu all week.  And someday I will likely do the same to my poor, unsuspecting coworkers.

I’m wanderlusting big time.  Belize is on the top of my list.  Well, was, and then this week, I saw this.  Maybe Europe.  And although I’m bummed that it probably won’t be 2011, that doesn’t mean it can’t be January 2012!

This weekend is the first bridesmaids dress shopping adventure with Bridezilla my sister.  Direct quote from an email I JUST got from her: “My dress is HERE! There will be many more times I will need to go in for fittings [ed. note: lies…she measured a perfect size 2 and I imagine it will fit like a dream] so this is to try it on just because I CAN!” I’m sorry, I get that she’s excited (and that I will likely be just as obnoxious when it’s MY turn), but is it October yet?  In other wedding news, my other October bride is a dream, but I think two of the bridesmaids are going to throw down before the big day.

My first half-marathon is tomorrow!  My long run a few weeks ago took me over the distance of the race, so I should be fine, but it also left me with a knee injury and I haven’t been training as much as I’d have liked in the past two weeks.  The doubting voices in my head have a few other things to say as well, but in 21 hours I’m going to shut them up and hit the pavement.

That will probably be the last mention of wellness and running here because I’m posting on that over at my new wellness blog!  The one I kinda skimmed over here.  It is my second attempt at a public blog (my last one bombed because it didn’t have a focus).  I’m struggling with keeping one anon and one public blog and building readership of both.  If anyone has tips, I’d love to hear them!  And if anyone would like to continue to read about my fitness adventures and kitchen mishaps, email me at emjaye [at] ymail [dot] com and I will be glad to send you the link!

I’m staying at my parents’ house over the weekend because they are closer to the race and to the dress shop and civilization in general.  And because they’re out of town.  And I’m totally having a party.  Well, not really.  I’m on the fence about asking my ArtWalk guy over to make dinner (date #2 was not as great as that first one) or inviting some friends over for a game night.  Yeah, I’m 26, but it still feels like I’m breaking the rules!

Oh yeah, and I need advice about ArtWalk guy.  When do you call an attempted relationship off?  There are no red flags, just a lackluster date, but the first was good!  Do we try again in a different environment?

A Facebook Boyfriend?

The last time I was “In a Relationship” with someone on Facebook was in college. I was 21 and you still had to have a college or corporate email address to join and the basic features were cool, not stalkerish or relationship-destroying.

We were Romeo and Juliet.  Well, okay, not exactly, but definitely from different groups. As one of my friends delicately put it, “isn’t he, like, popular?” Why, yes, yes he is and he’s MY boyfriend. On Facebook nonetheless.

This morning – five years later – I woke up and like 28% of 18-34-year-olds, I checked Facebook on my Crackberry before even getting out of bed and had a request. “Rebel has requested you to add him as your boyfriend.”

Well, crap.

I wasn’t too shocked, so I suppose I should rewind to explain how we got here.  Spoiler alert:  This es no bueno.

It took a week after our fight for him to break the ice and attempt to put things back together and another week to find time to hang out.  Monday was the first time I saw him since the walk out and I meant to “break up” with him.  I say “break up” because I don’t feel like we were ever together, least of all now. 

But, he came over with a nice bottle of wine and a plan for a great date, so yeah, I didn’t break up with him and instead accepted his invite of another date on Wednesday.  Last night, Rebel and I stayed in and finally had the talk I attempted two weeks ago, but that I didn’t really care about having anymore.

He said lovely things, but they just can’t change how I feel about him or the things I’m looking for or the fact that, at least for now, he’s not those things and I kinda told him that, but he still thought it a good idea to end the conversation with, “and I’d like you to be my girlfriend.” And I kept very quiet.  It wasn’t actually a question after all.

Ugh.  So now what?  The request is just hanging there.  And yes, he already has friends “liking” and commenting on his update. 

I could have avoided this all together if I had cut it off back in December when I knew that’s where it was heading.  I’m so bad at being the dumper.  And after having jerks in my boyfriend spot for so long, it’s nice to have someone, well, nice, which makes me feel very UN-NICE for wanting to tow him out, especially now in such a public way.

The Off(ish) Week(ish)

So what did I do while on my technology sabbatical?

1.  I sucked at taking a technology sabbatical, but each day got better (until I gave up altogether and ended it early) and I think it will be easier to lessen my use day-to-day now. And I know better what it will take to truly take an unplug week when I’m ready to try again.

2.  I totally drained my legs with the 12-miler on Saturday + a 6-miler on Sunday so switched around my training for the rest of the week (keeping the distances and runs, just exchanging rest days) and rocked out my peak week of training.

3.  I fell in love with my Garmin Forerunner 305.

4.  I had my first fight with Rebel.  Catalyst: Me still holding out (actually, for him I do believe it was about sex, for me, I was attempting a DTR talk because sex and the R – relationship – go together).  I learned that he’s a horrible fighter.  He wasn’t much for listening to or attempting to understand what I was saying and super-awkwardly left before any real discussion could be had.  Outcome:  Validation of my decision.   

5.  I realized there’s a difference between someone with whom you want to hang out and someone with whom you want to combine lives, which I guess I knew, but again…validation.

6.  Had another date with Mr. No Name on which he was determined to prove he wasn’t conservative and could be more than a friend.  Fail, first of all, but then he got post-date balls.  Via text he was all, “damn we should still be hanging out,” and I was all, “well then you should have stumbled your way through some kind of awkward invite to a phase two because now it’s too late and I’m on my couch in my ugly single-lady PJs and my tummy is happily full of sushi and vodka I didn’t have to pay for.”

7.  I had another first date with another POF guy. I found out that someone who has “non-douche” as their headline IS, in fact, a douche, but of a weird variety.  I deleted the last batch of “[insert rando’s name] pof”s from my phone because the ratio of guys who do online dating because they are socially retarded to guys who do online dating because they are normal, but busy/new to the area is about 5:1 (from my research) and that’s just a numbers game I’m sick of playing. 

8.  I heard from TGISWOTSD again.  Re:  hot dogs.  Again.  His interests seemed much more diverse when we were dating, I swear.  Again, maybe he’s testing the waters of friendship, but seeing his email addy, my heart flutters and wonders if he misses me and realizes we were great and it’s worth an actual try.  Ugh.

9.  I packed my fridge and pantry with real food so my apartment no longer looks like a bachelor lives there.  And yes, this is packed for a single girl.  I spent way too much time thinking about how to use it all!

10.  I totally blew my food budget (but that’s why I built in flexibility elsewhere).

11.  I ate well. (This is homemade pizza amazingness, part 2!)

12.  I accepted that I will never be a photog or foodie blogger (but I started a wellness blog that will have a food aspect)!

13.  I added some big dreams to my bucket list because I’ve really seen the power of writing down and going after some of the things I want recently and I’m in a big WHY NOT mood.

14.  I actually wrote down THE list (of traits I’m looking for in a man).  Again, why not?

15.  I went out on a school night.  As in like, don’t even start getting ready until 9 kind of out.  It was a friend’s last night in town and I’m glad I did, but I’m paying for it today!

The Doormat

Rebel was playing it a little loose and free the other night and it came out that at work, people have been telling him just how volatile my relationship with my ex who also worked there was.  And how I let him walk all over me and mistreat me. 

Ouch.  I knew it was a bad relationship, but to know that other people saw it and (still!) talk about it behind my back somehow makes it worse. 

Rebel’s reaction to people telling him about the doormat I was, beyond that he doesn’t want to hear it (because he doesn’t want to be compared to past boyfriends and he doesn’t think it’s a fair way to learn about my relationship history), is that he doesn’t really believe it.  To him, I’m not the girl who would let a guy treat her like that, who doesn’t know what she’s worth. 

I love the saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,” but Second Chances could be my middle name. My biggest fear in pursuing a romantic relationship in 2011 is that I’ll repeat past mistakes, stay with jerks and let them treat me as such.  I hope I’m not that girl anymore and in my single moments I don’t feel like I am, but I’m not sure the transition can actually be made that quickly. 

I’m a pretty trusting person and I have a (probably child-like) belief that most people are good.  I’m not big on “you have to EARN my trust” because I don’t think that’s fair; it’s bringing old baggage into a new relationship.  Similarly, I don’t think men should have to PROVE they deserve to be in my life, but as soon as they prove that they DON’T deserve to be in my life, I need to walk away and go find someone who does deserve it (lather, rinse, repeat as necessary).

I’m leaning toward a zero tolerance policy with men, because you know what?  There are A LOT of men out there!

Another (late) resolution!  Done.

GTFO

Hi 2011. Welcome. I’m so excited to get to know you. In preparation for your arrival, I partied. 

I also did some cleaning. Before I left for L.A. I changed my sheets and made sure my house was beautifully clean so I could come back to a fresh start. I’m feeling a little materialistic and with Christmas gifts and gift cards, but don’t want to be buried in STUFF, so I created a nice little donation pile before I attempt to shop for more STUFF.

But, more importantly, I stopped talking to TWO toxic exes (the same TWO toxic exes that I have stopped talking to many, many, many times before, but might as well try again…there are posts coming up about this and they’ve all been written in very strange orders, so they may not make sense and/or they may be extremely repetitive, such is life). 

I cleaned out my friends on Facebook, updated my privacy settings and hid some people who update way too much. I saved up all the junk email I got for the last week and unsubscribed from all those lists.

I deleted a lot of numbers from my phone. It was ridiculous the number of “[insert rando’s name] pof” entries I had, all men I’ve collected from the dating site I’m on. I couldn’t remember who half of them were.

Speaking of, I took down my profile on that awful site. Well, I saved the text because it’s furny, but I am no longer looking for men from that site. I do have a few I’m in contact with that we’ll see where it goes, but I’m off it.  I might head to the big leagues (eHarmony) eventually. 

But not now because my focus for January is half training. My runs are getting long, which means I can’t fit them in before work anymore and I’m not going to risk skipping one because some tool wants to take me to happy hour.  And since I’m an eternal people pleaser, if someone asks me if I’m busy on a certain night and the only thing on my calendar is “just” a training sesh, I might be inclined to say no I’m not busy, which is why “honor appointments with myself” is on my list of resolutions for the year.

Even poor Rebel is getting the back seat.  Speaking of…I just don’t know what to do with him. Should he go out with the old year? We still haven’t had sex and my friends who know me well are kinda like, “well then it’s not going to happen girl, you’re obviously not into him.” I can’t decide if it’s because I’m not into him or if it’s because of my baggage or if it’s because, while I like him, I can’t see myself getting serious with him because he’s a server (the schedule sucks with mine and it doesn’t scream adult) and a smoker (health is so important to me and the idea and smell of it is such a turnoff) and to me, sex = oxytocin = serious = getting attached = not sure if I’m ready.

So, while there are still some things looming overhead, following me from last year, for the most part, I feel lighter going into the new year with a mostly fresh start.  My parents have a traditional January first meal they like to make for good luck, but the timing didn’t work out for me to be around for it, but I told them that 2010 was good and 2011 was going to be even better and I really belive it!