Late Night Thoughts

On Sunday night, I could NOT sleep. I had a productive weekend and thought I was feeling great, but as soon as the lights went out, my mind was racing and mini-panic took over at the things I feel overwhelmed about.  I guess being productive with little stuff distracted me from the big stuff.

The big stuff:  my first maintenance issue at my house aka, my first time not being able to just call the management company; Lucky (things are still flipping 180 about every other day); puppy; work.

I was so happy when my alarm went off and I could get out of bed, even knowing I was going to be dragging, but at least I’d be moving forward.  I went to yoga and set my intention on action. 

I found two quotes yesterday:

Do not fear mistakes, there are none.

Which I needed because I’m afraid I’ve misstepped or I’m afraid to move forward because I don’t want to misstep.

And:

Stop waiting for things to happen. Go out and make them happen.

Which I needed because I know worrying about those things will get me nowhere and all I can do is my best to get things moving in a better, more calm direction.  Action > sitting still.

I did take some steps that will help me feel more in control, but in the end, Monday kind of won and I let it…waving my white flag and taking to bed EARLY, promising myself that it might not all come together today or tomorrow, but eventually things will even out and I guess that thought was comforting enough because I slept well.

Timelines

Let it be noted that Saturday was the official day that my mom expressed that her biological (grandma) clock is ticking.

It was a birthday dinner for both my future bro-in-law and me. Sis and FBIL were discussing how his sister is eager for them to have kids since she just had her first and she wants the baby to have a close-in-age (hopefully girl) cousin. They said they will have one in about a year at the very earliest because they’re basically gonna start trying two months after the wedding.

Mom: “I’m just happy you’re talking about having kids so soon.” And there it was.

In all honesty, talking babies two months after being married seems crazy to me, but it works for them (and apparently for my mother as well).  Timelines are so personal and I don’t think we should look at or judge others’ nor do I think others should look at or judge mine, but perhaps that’s the bigger concern about them…that other people will judge. 

Like weddings and babies, everyone thinks they did/will do it right.  And they did/will…if they do what’s right for them.

So you know what?  F “other people.” I’m looking to, in fact, live my life…as I was meant to, as I want to, as it happens.

As it happens is a big one for me. I’m a planner and think ahead quite a bit and I’m not sure how to change that, but I’m trying. It’s hard not to think in terms of timelines – timelines as I always thought they’d be, timelines as compared to others’ – but I’m working on being grateful for the now. 

So, where does my mom’s revelation + my desire to do what’s right for me leave me?  Yes, it’s nice being the younger sister; the weight for getting married and having babies is a little lifted, but I still feel it. 

My girl Oprah says:

God can dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever dream for yourself.

The timeline I’m meant to have and the NOW that happens in it is better than the timeline I spend so much time and energy trying to control and it’s better than the timeline that family pressure tries to impose.  Letting that roll off my back and giving up a little control is good.  Repeat.

Quotes like that seem to make their way into my life when I need them. Sometimes through blogs, movies or yoga instructors. I think on them, I write them down, I go back and connect the dots.

Today I collected my thoughts and created one of my own. It’s a good thing I’m not famous because this is probably not cohesive, let alone helpful, but it’s what I’m focusing on today:

If you want to do something, then really do it. In the moment, without what might have beens or what might bes.

I think that the life that comes from that will be better than any timeline.