Talk to my friends, talk to me.

I’ve been seeing friends more often lately – making a point to say YES to invitations and get out of my homebody, waiting-for-a-boy slump (except when I want to!)– but the boy kept coming up and I felt like a broken record.  Granted, I HAVE been a broken record about that piece of shit for the last year, but more so in the last few weeks and I’ve been amazed at the different reactions my tale of woe gets.
I guess because I’ve started my spiel with, “If I were listening to a friend tell me this story, I’d be able to be very black and white about it and tell her that she was crazy and not giving herself enough respect and blah, blah, blah…” I KNOW the right answer.  Oprah says when you know, better you do better, but for some reason the black hole of this relationship with Lucky has me knowing better but not doing better.

Their responses have been all over the place…

“Well there must be a reason that you’re hanging on.” Yeah, because I’m a massichistic idiot who is scared to start over so I’m going to just keep hitting my head against this wall for a bit longer.

“It’s all about timing.” No, it’s not. It’s about the right person. The right person makes even the wrongest time right.

“He’ll come around.” He absolutely will not.

HEL-LO! Have any of you read/seen He’s Just Not That Into You?! Stop lying to me and tell me to get a grip.
Fortunately, I did talk to a straight-shooting friend who told me she’s dated this guy many times over and she’s now in a very happy relationship so she had not problem telling me, “This isn’t the MJ I know and love. He’s not going to change. His words and actions don’t match up. There are much better things out there.”
Those words and, okay, let’s be honest…these too…have been in my head lately and I’m ready to be the real MJ again.

Then Lucky Came Back

I’m not even sure I want to talk about Lucky, but yes, the love dust brought him back.  Or, my triathlon and his sadness at not being there to support me and a conversation with his dad in which he was made to feel like an idiot for letting some third party (my dad) dictate the course of his life brought him back. It’s a messy situation, here’s the short…talksdatesdinnerssleepoversdogsvegasworkfamilypullingaway. Hmm, he got his own day in story-telling week, but yeah, I don’t really feel like talking about him right now.

The Love Dust

As much as I don’t want to admit it, Looney Tunes’s dust seemed to have worked.
THAT AFTERNOON the guy who I added on Facebook to drop the hint that I wanted to go from friends of friends to friends to dating (oh over a year ago), started chatting with me on Facebook and he admitted that when I added him, he didn’t want to assume anything, but kind of wondered, and I admitted that yeah, that was kinda the point. We discussed night hiking and decided that yeah, we should do that and exchanged numbers.
He’s pretty much done shit with it since (he’s as bad as the matchmaker)! He DID FB message me again maybe two weeks later or something with “up for a night hike? lol.”
Here’s the thing. I think he’s a shy, nice guy, but I need a confident man.
I need a phone call and someone who actually follows up to get a date and someone who doesn’t caveat his invite with an lol to protect his pride. I guess I was right in my assumption that he needed a little help, but I can’t do all the work. (OMG, do I sound like those other ladies trying to be set up now?!)
I forget what else happened after I got sprinkled with the love dust, but there was another potential romance that sprung up the weekend after and OH YEAH, Lucky came back the very next day.
To be continued (again)…

I have to be done.

The pattern? Sucks balls.

Lucky and I are done.  I’m saying it here to keep myself accountable.

I do love him, I do think we could be really great together, but for my sanity, my emotional well-being, I need to be done.  Probably for my physical well-being too because I feel like all the negative emotions I’ve had around this relationship and holding in so much, is no good for me.

I have so much more to rant and to plan, but I think I just need some good old-fashioned wallow time tonight.

I already had a hair appointment set up for tomorrow and I’m really not sure how crazy this unfortunate timing is going to make it.

How’s that working out for you?

I have good dating stories and I like to amuse people with them, which is probably why I started this blog. Some of the dating stories are funny in the moment, like a really bad first date with some guy I met online and some take a little longer to find funny.

I was telling some of my dating stories to a new friend and as an outsider, he was quick to point out that my stories have a theme.

Specifically, an up-and-down, back-and-forth, hot-and-cold, on-and-off theme running through all my recent relationships.

And I realized he was right.  All of my stories were like, “and we had just gotten back together” or “and we stopped dating for a while.” This is not so much funny to me. 

I thought about it and every relationship I’ve been in since I moved back to Arizona for a fresh start has involved numerous breakups. 

Hell, I might even say all of my relationships. The exception being my college boyfriend.  He showed me the beauty of the it’s-called-a-breakup-because-it’s-broken-if-it’s-broke-don’t-fix-it-exes-don’t-need-to-be-friends idea.

Clearly I paid attention and have followed that closely ever since.

The thing is, it’s easy when I’m single to make a hard-and-fast rule that if someone doesn’t want to be with me, then he doesn’t get to be with me, not then, not if he changes his mind, just not at all, but inside a relationship, that black and white starts to look awfully gray.

I’m all about changing the ingredients to get a new cake, but for now, I’m ignoring this harsh realization because Lucky and I are on-again and I’m fully committed to this trying again thing with him.  As time goes by and with each date we go on, I feel less like I have to make the caveat of “but if it doesn’t work out this time, I’m really done” as I’ve tried in vain to make in the past, because it feels different and it feels good. 

Here’s to hoping for a different ending this time around.

My New Dating Coach

I pretty much inhale all things dating and love and whatnot – Millionaire Matchmaker, The Rules According to J-Woww – but my newest dating guru is Dating Coach, April Beyer. She posts video responses to reader emails every Thursday and it makes Thursdays pretty lovely because she always has something lovely and insightful to say.

As an update, I don’t need dating advice per se, but dating and relationships are not mutually exclusive and I think something I learned in all the up and down with Lucky is that maintaining the dating aspect of a relationship is important.  

Easing into a relationship is easy, but keeping it exciting and never taking your significant other for granted are good things!  And let’s be honest, the quick-to-fake-commit-and-wear-yoga-pants-in-front-of-each-other thing hasn’t worked for me so far, so it’s about time I tried to change the ingredients.

The Valentine’s Post

I don’t remember what I was doing a year ago tomorrow, or two years ago yesterday, but because our culture tells us that TODAY is important, I remember what I was doing.

Two years ago, I went on a low-key date and the next day celebrated the Valentine’s Day holiday for real with a man who I thought was going to propose and the thought made me want to puke.

Last year, I went out with Rebel and we had a huge fight, which he thought was just another fight, but opened the door allowing me to fully pull off the band-aid of that relationship, leaving him a little stunned.

I went back and looked at my posts from last year at this time (totally a good reason in itself to keep up with blogging) and holy shit, I kind of treated poor Rebel like crap. He thought we were Facebook status-ready and I was dating whoever, whenever I wanted and actively trying to meet new guys!

We’ve been talking recently and I really feel bad for him because he tells me he misses me and other things that make me realize that “relationship” was so much bigger to him than it was to me and it’s such a reminder that I’ve been on that side of unbalanced relationships before , which on one hand makes me think I need to get over them, but on the other hand, I’m all about feeling my feelings and if that’s how I felt about them, that’s okay.

I am over those past relationships and I guess I’m just trying to figure out where my relationship with Lucky falls in the spectrum of balanced/unbalanced relationships.  At different times, for different reasons, it feels like both. 

When I think of these last two “boyfriends”  I’ve spent VDay with, I remember that they were volatile relationships with real fighting.  Lucky and I have had our ups and downs, but it’s never been because we don’t like each other or are mad at one another or someone has done something the other didn’t like.  Our ups and downs are because we’re future-thinking and see trouble ahead because of family issues (well, he does anyway). 

So, right now we’re up.  Last week, what was, I suppose, meant to be a booty call turned into a talk…a good talk, a catch-up talk and then a talk about where we’ve been and where we’re going.  We didn’t even get down and dirty at all.  It was what we needed. 

And now? We’re dating.  We’re hanging out.  We’re having fun.  That was the essence that got us off to such a great start and we’re getting back to all of that. 

And because we reconciled right before this cliché holiday, I’m kinda all about it.  We’re low-keying it tonight and doing an official celebration next weekend.

Know Your Worth

This year I’m attempting to have a monthly focus in an effort to introduce new, good habits into my life. 

In February, my focus is to read every day.  I’ve been good in the past few months at having a book I’m reading at all times, but sometimes it would lay on my coffee table for days before I picked it up again.  I enjoy reading, so I’m making more of an effort to pick up the book every day.  It helps when I’m reading books that I like, but don’t love.  Cough, Hunger Games, cough.

A few days ago, I decided to pull in another focus as well.  In February I’m going to focus on knowing my worth.  I mean, I know it, but I don’t always act like it. 

Over the weekend I wanted to text…wait for it…TGISWOTSD.  I know, huh?  There’s more to the story that’s happened in the past few months that hasn’t been written about and let’s just say I won, but still I knew it was beneath me to text him to wish him a happy birthday month, so, I didn’t. I don’t have to be the girl who pops herself back into her exes’ lives to remind them I’m awesome or to see if they still carry a torch.

My exes actually do plenty of that all on their own. I often wonder if other women have the same issues with exes who WILL NOT GO AWAY.  Far too many of mine think it’s perfectly acceptable to hang around in my life.  Like leeches.  I guess they think it’s romantic because the way they render it, I’m the one that got away? 

Well, where’s the one who won’t let me get away? Where’s the one who won’t be a leech, sucking my life?

Sometimes I think I’m to blame because I teach them it’s okay to treat me this way.  I play the one that got away when I should be playing the one who doesn’t want you now (regardless of whose decision it was in the first place) and won’t put up with you in her life because she’s so much better than that and has someone so much better waiting in the (hopefully near) future.

I fully know why they do it and I guess it’s the same reason I do it. 

Maybe this worth focus is a multi-month process.  I already know my worth.  Maybe February is going to be acting on it.  March can be just being it, without any of this fake it til you make it crap.

The Check-In Text

As I kind of mentioned, I’ve been talking to Lucky off and on. I initially felt like I couldn’t tell him enough that I wanted to be with him regardless of the family situation, but then I found enough. I could only hear him say, “I want to be with you too, BUT…” so much until I really heard what he was saying.

So, since then, our communication has been at his initiation. Genuine phone calls to make sure I’m doing okay with all the stress.  We slip back into the easy conversation we’ve always had.  While the “how did this go?” and “what’s going on with this?” questions remind me how nice it is to be his person and have him be my person, they’re also a sad reminder that we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to and we’re updating each other on things that have long since passed. 

They’re friendly phone calls, no real flirting, no real talk of seeing each other, no endless DTR talk, which is nice, but I’d like to be skipping it because we’re on the couple side, not the couple of friends side, but that’s just how it is on the phone calls.

But then there are the check-in texts.

Last week, he initiated contact with a sad we’re apart text and we texted throughout the day about wanting to be together, but by the end of the day, he wanted to be with me BUT again.

It’s not fair and I told him such. I told him he was checking in to make sure I was still in love with him and I was, but if he didn’t think we could be together then it wasn’t fair and I needed space.

Uh, yeah, I told him I loved him (we were on the phone by this point, but I still would like to say it to him face-to-face). His response was the same. So, yeah, we’re in love post-break up (we hadn’t said it before). Awesome.

Probably a few weeks ago at this point, I got a text from Rebel. Hope everything is okay, miss your face, blah blah blah. But I didn’t respond. I feel a little guilty because I know what it’s like to be on the other end where you put yourself out there and don’t get a response. Even though it was in a friendly way, there’s more emotion behind a check-in text like that and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that. I feel like I did him a favor, but hurt him at the same time.

So, now I’m left wondering why it’s easy(ish) to ignore him while I’m quasi-ignoring Lucky until he wants to come back and then hanging on every word while he keeps me at arm’s length.

Well, I mean, I KNOW why…Rebel was not for me, he always liked me more than I liked him and I love Lucky, but my brain knows I need to move on.  It should be easier since my brain KNOWS he’s playing games, but I guess my heart HOPES he’s not.

I’m sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?

I mean…I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

Part of the Girls on the Run curriculum is a lesson about emotions and how they are not good or bad, but some – like excitement and happiness – are more comfortable, and some – like jealousy and loneliness – are more uncomfortable to feel.

I really like that. Since I learned it as a sophomore in college, I’ve been a big proponent of “feel your feelings” and this adds a new step to it…to acknowledge that feelings are not always comfortable, but that they’re okay.

As uncomfortable as they are to feel, sometimes they’re even more uncomfortable to express, but I’m getting better at that and this weekend I tried. A few times.  To family members and a friend.  I told them I was lonely, I told them I was unhappy.  And I kind of got ignored.  I guess my uncomfortable emotions make other people uncomfortable too?

While there’s a lot of talk of how blogging can place a lot of pressure to be happy and perfect and wonderful all the time, I think blogging has a lot to do with my increasing ability to be real.  Granted, I keep two blogs, this naked one and one more public and perhaps more shiny and happy, but I’m saying what I need to say in so many spaces in my life and I think it’s because I’m now used to just laying it all out there.

Or I’m getting old and I just don’t give a fuck anymore.  One of the two.

With the exception of me attempting to discuss my feelings (ew), my family was very comfortable on Sunday. My mom forced a dinner and I had to talk myself into it all week long.  They all were pretending like nothing had gone wrong, like nothing was wrong and everything was back to “normal.”  Funny the way family totally redefines that word.

I took the pup, so he was a big focus, but since it was the first get-together since my sister and her husband returned from their honeymoon, there was recap wedding talk. Just when I thought it was over.  Everyone ignored the fact that it’s not a happy memory for me.

I bit my tongue when snarky comments wanted to come out, respecting that my dad hadn’t wanted to discuss the issues in front of my mom before and with the way everyone was acting, I knew no one else wanted the faux-happy Sunday to be brought down either.

My dad asked me questions about the dog and I answered politely, but didn’t really feel the need to say goodbye to him when I left.  Then the pup slept all the way home while I cried.  I’m so hurt that my family could just ignore the situation.  I don’t want to harp on it, I don’t want to talk about it all the time, but literally there’s been no resolve and everyone else is okay with that.

So, yesterday, I wrote down everything I wanted to say to my dad – essentially that I’m offended that he hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions thus far and I’m hurt that he’s been treating me poorly for a while now.

So, then I was faced with the question…did I write it for therapeutic reasons or did I write it to send it?  I felt better after I wrote it, but I realized I felt better knowing that my dad would read it and truly know how I feel about everything.

So I clicked send.  I’m glad he didn’t fire off something back, but now I’m reaching the “how long do I wait until I take his silence as acceptance of my statement that I don’t need a forced, circumstantial relationship if he doesn’t want to get real and be involved in my life?” point.

After I sent it, I felt a little apprehension.  Nervousness that I traded his comfort for my own.  He was settling back into a comfort zone when I saw him on Sunday, assuming things were swept under the rug.  But, I was quite uncomfortable and it’s not fair for me to hold it all in. My family might be number two (although I’m not sure that’s a position they deserve right now), but I’ve got to look out for number one and I’m going to keep talking about my feelings until someone listens, darn it!

Oh yeah, and sorry I’m not sorry for the emo brain dump you just read.