Wishing and Hoping

I thought I was tired at about 9:15 last night, so I went to bed and turned off the light, but my brain would not STFU. 

Within the first hour, I had to get up to check when my passport expired – July 2012, leaving it 50/50 as to whether I should renew now or later – and I decided to add a cute guy I met almost a month ago as a friend on Facebook, wrote him a cute message from my phone, then decided not to add him.

Mostly, it was my knack for trying to plot every second of my life that got the better of me.  It had me moving to Minnesota, deciding I hate the weather and taking it out on the Scandanavian-bred boyfriend there.  Then it had me knocked up by/in an open relationship with my fallback guy and realizing that it surprisingly worked.  Then it had me meeting and falling for a local boy and then resenting him because his close family ties keep us here.

Um, brain?  STFU!

This was all despite my aha moment I had yesterday.  It was the last day of my FFF vacation in Arizona’s beautiful White Mountains.  Before my sis, her fiance and I took off back to the desert, we went for a family walk.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you look around and think, “wow, this is my life” … good or bad?  Or one of those moments – again, good or bad – when you’re like, “how did I get here?”

Growing up in the Phoenix area and vacaying three hours northeast of there isn’t much of a stretch, but then I started thinking of it from my mom’s perspective. 

Did she plan for a holiday weekend with her hubby and daughters in Show Low?  When she was my age, my parents were married, but having trouble conceiving.  Did she imagine she’d be living in Arizona when she was a freshman in college in Ohio and had just met a guy from Pittsburgh? 

I’m guessing not, but my mom has a wonderful joie de vivre.  She loves where she ended up, but she didn’t plot and plan every second of her life to get there.  The way the story goes, the move to Arizona from the midwest was such a random, spur-of-the-moment decision.

So this is what people mean when they’re all, “live in the moment, man.”  I don’t think I can dream as big as my life is going to end up, so why am I worrying about the details of it?  How can I possibly try to control it and contain it?

This planning thing is not really working out for me.  So tell me WHY it’s keeping me up at night?!

I blame the five-, ten-, fifteen-year plans they made us do in school. Goals are good.  I love goals and think it’s important to teach kids that they have to pursue the goals instead of just thinking they’ll happen, but giving kids the idea that they can plot, plan and predict every moment of their life is just a little boring! 

I uploaded some of the FFF pics to Facebook last night and ended up going through some of my older ones.  I realized that a lot of the great periods of my life, the great memories, kind of happened unexpectedly.  They were things I jumped into without thinking about it too much.

The unexpected is unexpectedly worth it.  Dream big took on a whole new meaning for me yesterday. 

And in the end, I watched four episodes of The Office on Hulu before I could fall asleep.


Ch-ch-ch-changes and Capable

Reverb 10, Day 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010 was a year of changes.  To get the full story, we have to go back to 2009. 

In 2009, I made the decision to move from my college town in California, where I had been living for 7 years, back to Arizona.  I imagined, upon moving, I would live in Scottsdale, work in marketing, reconnect with my high school friends, spend time with my family and start dating, eventually finding a handsome, successful boyfriend.  There was a dog, there was awesome hair and a super hot Pilates body, even though I don’t practice Pilates.

You would think THAT would be the year of change, but 2009 all but laughed in my face.  2010 was a lot of the same.  I was still stuck in the “temporary”  job I got when I moved, at which I felt underappreciated and suffocated.  I went through a back and forth relationship with a man who didn’t deserve me for a lot of the year.  My big, ugly apartment was cold and then hot, and always lonely and sad.

My changes started in May with a break up hair cut (hello, awesome hair).  Then in August, the other changes began to materialize.  I got a new job.  In marketing.  In Scottsdale.  I moved to Scottsdale.  It’s not everything I imagined it would be and more, but the change started to shake my life up in a good way.

Before starting my new job, I visited my California friends and realized it’s not about location, it’s about relationships and I’m glad to still have a strong one with them despite the distance.  I have struggled with the relationships with my friends in Arizona, but lately, we are reconnecting as the new people we’ve become.  I’ve become closer to some and have been able to admit that there are some that I just don’t need in my life.  My relationship with my family has its highs and lows, but adjusting to the change of being an adult child living close by has been fun.  I come from good people.

Not everything has come together as planned.  My handsome, successful boyfriend still eludes me, but the love lessons I’ve learned this year have changed my attitudes and behaviors in wonderful ways. 

It’s been a year of growing pains, because changes aren’t always easy, but for the most part, I’m genuinely happy in a way that I haven’t been in a long time and that’s the best change I could have asked for.

I’ve been que sera, sera about life, but that attitude leaves what ifs and oh wells.  Welcoming change and accepting happiness in my life needed to come first.  Now that I’m there and I’ve had some successes, I see that I’m an active participant in my life and truly capable. 

Thinking and talking about my goals is great, but working toward and achieving them is so much better.  In 2011, I’m going after everything with wild abandon.  Because I can.  I don’t want 2011 to be comfortable and complacent, I want it to be challenging, because even when it’s challenging, maybe more so when it’s challenging, I’m capable.

At the end of 2011, I want to say that it was a year in which I was capable of creating my own change.