Exposed

So the boy knows about this blog. Can you believe such a thing? Yeah, THAT happened on our cozy weekend away after a few whiskeys.

Is it cheating to have two and a half years of not only my relationship history but my intimate thoughts and feelings laid out for him? Maybe, but I’m loving the openness of our relationship and I want him to know me and my writing is me.

I will admit though, that a few days after returning he said he was going to do some blog reading and my initial reaction was to trash the entire site. ABORT ABORT.

I’m so glad I didn’t. I just meandered around some of my archives and found some great posts, some things I forgot about. I kinda like reconnecting with 26-year-old MJ and having a (total public and awkward) record of how I got where I am.

I did, however, stay up late that night trying to race ahead of him to censor a few things that really don’t matter anymore. But, yes, Buzz, I’ll give you the deets if ever you ask, because it’s still me and you make me feel safe and okay with that.

The Nice Guy

Recent events have me questioning if nice guys really do finish last.  I’ve got this great guy interested in me and maybe it’s a little too easy.  He doesn’t play games.  He strives to make me happy.  And what do I do?  Exchange emails with ex-boyfriends. (And actively participate in a dating website, which I don’t feel guilty about, because although playing the field is a little foreign to me, that’s what dating is about, until I decide I want to focus on one guy.) 

The talking to exes is just stupid.  Phone numbers can be deleted, but email addresses are too damn easy to remember.  It starts off innocently enough, but their numbers had been deleted for a reason.  These are the men that I can’t be friends with because one or both of us tends to forget why we’re not together. 

I go into it knowing I have a valuable secret in my back pocket.  If we tried again, if I got him back, it wouldn’t take away the hurt that losing him created.  It’s been on my mind since reading Write Meg!‘s post about young adult books she wishes she would have read when she was a young adult, paraphrased from a line from An Abundance of Katherines.  It’s a great way to remind myself to keep looking forward.  I don’t even want these men back, I just like remembering relationships that I felt, at one time, passionate about. 

In my defense, I can’t be totally damaged.  The last guy I was into was a “nice” guy.  After just a few dates, the first word that came to mind when trying to describe him was “considerate.”  That’s a wonderful quality.  At the same time, he was confident, which worked with the nice, making him sexy.

See?  Not damaged.  Nice is good.  Too nice is not.  Whether you’re a man or woman, too nice will get you walked on.  I don’t want to walk on nice guys and be the hurter in relationships.  And I really don’t want to end up with the bad guys and be hurt.  Dating is such a balancing act.