Excuses

Today I expressed on Facebook that I needed something and that I would like someone to bring it to me so I didn’t have to think too hard about what that thing was.   

[Please note that I avoided telling Facebook that I wanted someone to “give it to me” for fear that it would lead to quite an inappropriate thread that would confuse my mother because, yes she is on Facebook.  And while, perhaps I do need some of THAT in my life right now, I’m looking for something bigger.  And yes, that IS what she said.]

I’ve just been feeling ill-at-ease, a lack of focus.  Complacency is creeping around the corner and I want nothing to do with it.

My mother has always told me if you’re bored then you’re boring and I was planning on spending some time this weekend manifesting something quite UNboring, but figured I’d put it out to the universe (Facebook) as well.

And then I got an email from my sis.  I’m not sure if she had read my update or just randomly wanted to send me an email, but there it was in my inbox.  She sent me links to two services she thought might be of interest to me. 

The first was VistaPrint, the whole “get free business cards” thing.  My dad has been telling me about this for a while, but I just haven’t narrowed in on what I might want to say about myself in 3.5″ x 2″ format, but picking a focus is exactly the kind of excitement I’m talking about.

The second was an “open publisher” that allows you to publish and even sell your own books.  I’ve always loved to write and it always makes me smile when friends or family express support for it.

However, I haven’t been writing much (beyond here).  I have mostly just been making excuses.

When I saw that email, I thought, Hey, she believes in me.  I’m going to take some time to really write this weekend.  And then I fell right back on my excuses. 

But, I’m not writing because my computer might die on me and I don’t want to lose everything.  And I want to buy a new computer so I won’t live in fear of that happening, but my old one is still working.

Yeah, I know.  What sense does that make?

I thought good and hard.  If I solved the great computer dilemma, what excuse would I fall back on?  I came up with nothing.  So to call my bluff, I went to Best Buy after work. 

Since I’m not totally ridiculous, I didn’t end up buying one.  I’ve done my research and everything, just waiting for a sale.  I can’t bear to pay full price – and NO, that’s not just another excuse.  I will get one and in the meantime, I’ll make sure to back up my work because this weekend I’m writing.

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Ch-ch-ch-changes and Capable

Reverb 10, Day 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Changes
2010 was a year of changes.  To get the full story, we have to go back to 2009. 

In 2009, I made the decision to move from my college town in California, where I had been living for 7 years, back to Arizona.  I imagined, upon moving, I would live in Scottsdale, work in marketing, reconnect with my high school friends, spend time with my family and start dating, eventually finding a handsome, successful boyfriend.  There was a dog, there was awesome hair and a super hot Pilates body, even though I don’t practice Pilates.

You would think THAT would be the year of change, but 2009 all but laughed in my face.  2010 was a lot of the same.  I was still stuck in the “temporary”  job I got when I moved, at which I felt underappreciated and suffocated.  I went through a back and forth relationship with a man who didn’t deserve me for a lot of the year.  My big, ugly apartment was cold and then hot, and always lonely and sad.

My changes started in May with a break up hair cut (hello, awesome hair).  Then in August, the other changes began to materialize.  I got a new job.  In marketing.  In Scottsdale.  I moved to Scottsdale.  It’s not everything I imagined it would be and more, but the change started to shake my life up in a good way.

Before starting my new job, I visited my California friends and realized it’s not about location, it’s about relationships and I’m glad to still have a strong one with them despite the distance.  I have struggled with the relationships with my friends in Arizona, but lately, we are reconnecting as the new people we’ve become.  I’ve become closer to some and have been able to admit that there are some that I just don’t need in my life.  My relationship with my family has its highs and lows, but adjusting to the change of being an adult child living close by has been fun.  I come from good people.

Not everything has come together as planned.  My handsome, successful boyfriend still eludes me, but the love lessons I’ve learned this year have changed my attitudes and behaviors in wonderful ways. 

It’s been a year of growing pains, because changes aren’t always easy, but for the most part, I’m genuinely happy in a way that I haven’t been in a long time and that’s the best change I could have asked for.

Capable
I’ve been que sera, sera about life, but that attitude leaves what ifs and oh wells.  Welcoming change and accepting happiness in my life needed to come first.  Now that I’m there and I’ve had some successes, I see that I’m an active participant in my life and truly capable. 

Thinking and talking about my goals is great, but working toward and achieving them is so much better.  In 2011, I’m going after everything with wild abandon.  Because I can.  I don’t want 2011 to be comfortable and complacent, I want it to be challenging, because even when it’s challenging, maybe more so when it’s challenging, I’m capable.

At the end of 2011, I want to say that it was a year in which I was capable of creating my own change.