Why You Don’t Make Future Plans

Things with Yogi were going well, if becoming a little predictable. After the kiss when I jumped off the deep end, we saw each other often, slipping into a comfortable routine where I got off work as he was going to work, so I got a little down time and then he’d come over after work to hang out (he literally only works for two hours a day, which I kind of thought would bug me, but it’s an awesome job and he’s good and successful at it and does make decent money – and no, he’s not a stripper).

He came to me, he made me laugh, he liked my cooking, he didn’t mind my crazy dog and we could just be. It was nice.

Sex came up once and I brushed it off as too soon, so respectfully he just asked me to tell him when I was ready. I wondered if we were too comfortable and decided we needed to enjoy each other on a real date again before we got busy, then decided that I was really busy on my own and if there was a man I was attracted to who was making it fairly easy for me to get a little loving, that was okay, but we might as well still do the date thing, so on Friday I told him to come over after work and take me to dinner.

Don’t call me a whore, don’t say I’m banging for dinner.  I didn’t need a fancy four-course meal, I just needed to go out. We actually ended up a sports bar watching his college’s basketball team’s season opener. It was nice to have him open my door in the rain (he really was raised right), place his hand on my back with an affectionate rub while we were watching the game and enjoy each other outside of the comfort bubble we were making at my house.

But, back to my house we went, make out we did and eventually I asked if he would wear a condom. (This IS a reasonable request, right?!)

He laughed.

But, said he’d try. WTF does that even mean?!

Four minutes later I realized WTF that even means.

Things got awkward. Not super awkward, he didn’t seem embarrassed or uncomfortable really, but he was definitely wondering how long he had to cuddle before leaving and right as I was about to call him on that, he said, “I’m going to go home now.”

When he left, I wasn’t sad, mad, upset, anything really, maybe just a little stumped.

I’ve had men tell me that basically they like to fuck on a first date to see if there’s sexual chemistry before wasting time or getting into anything “serious” which seems totally stupid, but indicative of what men deem a serious relationship v. what women deem a serious relationship. And now I kind of understand it. But, we had some steamy make out seshes and all systems were go before we attempted this so really, it just baffled me. I really liked him, but that was BAD and I just didn’t know that to do with it.

I sent him a text the next day to prove that things weren’t awkward. He responded and we went back and forth talking about our mornings. And I haven’t heard from him since 😦 Yes, it’s only three days and yes, it’s a two-way street, but I’m taking a stand on men who don’t treat me right and/or who display the classic signs of “he’s just not that into you.”

Anyway, I was really trying to take it one day at a time, but my brain jumps forward and I guess what I’m saying is that I still need to work on calming that down and take it for what it is to avoid this disappointment when those things don’t happen.

With that said, I’m off to a date with Yogi 2.0 (literally, they have the same name, talk about awkward) that I’m kinda excited about, but totally pretending I’m not.

Talk to my friends, talk to me.

I’ve been seeing friends more often lately – making a point to say YES to invitations and get out of my homebody, waiting-for-a-boy slump (except when I want to!)– but the boy kept coming up and I felt like a broken record.  Granted, I HAVE been a broken record about that piece of shit for the last year, but more so in the last few weeks and I’ve been amazed at the different reactions my tale of woe gets.
I guess because I’ve started my spiel with, “If I were listening to a friend tell me this story, I’d be able to be very black and white about it and tell her that she was crazy and not giving herself enough respect and blah, blah, blah…” I KNOW the right answer.  Oprah says when you know, better you do better, but for some reason the black hole of this relationship with Lucky has me knowing better but not doing better.

Their responses have been all over the place…

“Well there must be a reason that you’re hanging on.” Yeah, because I’m a massichistic idiot who is scared to start over so I’m going to just keep hitting my head against this wall for a bit longer.

“It’s all about timing.” No, it’s not. It’s about the right person. The right person makes even the wrongest time right.

“He’ll come around.” He absolutely will not.

HEL-LO! Have any of you read/seen He’s Just Not That Into You?! Stop lying to me and tell me to get a grip.
Fortunately, I did talk to a straight-shooting friend who told me she’s dated this guy many times over and she’s now in a very happy relationship so she had not problem telling me, “This isn’t the MJ I know and love. He’s not going to change. His words and actions don’t match up. There are much better things out there.”
THANK YOU, GIRLFRIEND.
Those words and, okay, let’s be honest…these too…have been in my head lately and I’m ready to be the real MJ again.

Funky BINGO

I’ve been in a funk (obvi). This breakup seems different. Maybe they all do, but in the midst of it, it’s awful. I know it needs to end, but it hasn’t been like times before when I’ve busied myself or met other guys right away or bought couches or dogs. Granted, I’m focused on an upcoming race, but it’s tomorrow and I don’t know what happens after that.

I’m kind of starting to get out of it. Today I’m meeting a matchmaker. She touts herself as Phoenix’s millionaire matchmaker. I’m expecting something like Patti Stanger telling me I’m fat and have bad hair, but we’ll see.

I’ve also come up with summertime dating bingo. It needs some work, but I made a list of 24 types of people to date, places to meet men, first date activities all to get me out of my comfort zone. Here’s the first draft:

I feel like it needs a little more diversity. Any suggestions for different boxes?

Of course, post-race, I’m also going to focus on stuff that’s important to me – writing, setting up a side business, watching excessive amounts of Netflix.

I have to be done.

The pattern? Sucks balls.

Lucky and I are done.  I’m saying it here to keep myself accountable.

I do love him, I do think we could be really great together, but for my sanity, my emotional well-being, I need to be done.  Probably for my physical well-being too because I feel like all the negative emotions I’ve had around this relationship and holding in so much, is no good for me.

I have so much more to rant and to plan, but I think I just need some good old-fashioned wallow time tonight.

I already had a hair appointment set up for tomorrow and I’m really not sure how crazy this unfortunate timing is going to make it.

Know Your Worth

This year I’m attempting to have a monthly focus in an effort to introduce new, good habits into my life. 

In February, my focus is to read every day.  I’ve been good in the past few months at having a book I’m reading at all times, but sometimes it would lay on my coffee table for days before I picked it up again.  I enjoy reading, so I’m making more of an effort to pick up the book every day.  It helps when I’m reading books that I like, but don’t love.  Cough, Hunger Games, cough.

A few days ago, I decided to pull in another focus as well.  In February I’m going to focus on knowing my worth.  I mean, I know it, but I don’t always act like it. 

Over the weekend I wanted to text…wait for it…TGISWOTSD.  I know, huh?  There’s more to the story that’s happened in the past few months that hasn’t been written about and let’s just say I won, but still I knew it was beneath me to text him to wish him a happy birthday month, so, I didn’t. I don’t have to be the girl who pops herself back into her exes’ lives to remind them I’m awesome or to see if they still carry a torch.

My exes actually do plenty of that all on their own. I often wonder if other women have the same issues with exes who WILL NOT GO AWAY.  Far too many of mine think it’s perfectly acceptable to hang around in my life.  Like leeches.  I guess they think it’s romantic because the way they render it, I’m the one that got away? 

Well, where’s the one who won’t let me get away? Where’s the one who won’t be a leech, sucking my life?

Sometimes I think I’m to blame because I teach them it’s okay to treat me this way.  I play the one that got away when I should be playing the one who doesn’t want you now (regardless of whose decision it was in the first place) and won’t put up with you in her life because she’s so much better than that and has someone so much better waiting in the (hopefully near) future.

I fully know why they do it and I guess it’s the same reason I do it. 

Maybe this worth focus is a multi-month process.  I already know my worth.  Maybe February is going to be acting on it.  March can be just being it, without any of this fake it til you make it crap.

The Check-In Text

As I kind of mentioned, I’ve been talking to Lucky off and on. I initially felt like I couldn’t tell him enough that I wanted to be with him regardless of the family situation, but then I found enough. I could only hear him say, “I want to be with you too, BUT…” so much until I really heard what he was saying.

So, since then, our communication has been at his initiation. Genuine phone calls to make sure I’m doing okay with all the stress.  We slip back into the easy conversation we’ve always had.  While the “how did this go?” and “what’s going on with this?” questions remind me how nice it is to be his person and have him be my person, they’re also a sad reminder that we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to and we’re updating each other on things that have long since passed. 

They’re friendly phone calls, no real flirting, no real talk of seeing each other, no endless DTR talk, which is nice, but I’d like to be skipping it because we’re on the couple side, not the couple of friends side, but that’s just how it is on the phone calls.

But then there are the check-in texts.

Last week, he initiated contact with a sad we’re apart text and we texted throughout the day about wanting to be together, but by the end of the day, he wanted to be with me BUT again.

It’s not fair and I told him such. I told him he was checking in to make sure I was still in love with him and I was, but if he didn’t think we could be together then it wasn’t fair and I needed space.

Uh, yeah, I told him I loved him (we were on the phone by this point, but I still would like to say it to him face-to-face). His response was the same. So, yeah, we’re in love post-break up (we hadn’t said it before). Awesome.

Probably a few weeks ago at this point, I got a text from Rebel. Hope everything is okay, miss your face, blah blah blah. But I didn’t respond. I feel a little guilty because I know what it’s like to be on the other end where you put yourself out there and don’t get a response. Even though it was in a friendly way, there’s more emotion behind a check-in text like that and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that. I feel like I did him a favor, but hurt him at the same time.

So, now I’m left wondering why it’s easy(ish) to ignore him while I’m quasi-ignoring Lucky until he wants to come back and then hanging on every word while he keeps me at arm’s length.

Well, I mean, I KNOW why…Rebel was not for me, he always liked me more than I liked him and I love Lucky, but my brain knows I need to move on.  It should be easier since my brain KNOWS he’s playing games, but I guess my heart HOPES he’s not.

In Short

So, in short, it’s over with me and Lucky. We had the same conversation we’d been having for the past two weeks again yesterday but it was much more definitive. He sees no way for us to move forward when we’re up against this rock and I can only tell him how much I care about him and don’t care what my family thinks and want to keep our relationship going while hearing him say that.

Even knowing that, I hate quitting. I especially hate quitting something that’s important to me and that I care about and I keep thinking I just need to tell him again that I care about him and want it to work.  If you ask for something, you’re supposed to get it, right?  Unfortunately, I’ve been asking for the past two weeks.  It just seems so unfair.

I definitely need a break and some space from the situation before I can consider how we can still be in each others’ lives moving forward.  Amicable break ups might be worse than stereotypically bad ones.

The Talk(s)

Lucky and I had coffee on Sunday. It was wonderful to see him again and sit across from him in the sunshine and talk about the little things you talk about as a couple.  It’s only been a week, but we skipped a lot of the texts and emails and phone calls that start with, “I saw/heard/thought this and it made me think of you,” or “this is going on in my life and you’re my person I want to tell.”

I think when you’re going through a break up or a break, it’s easy to miss those things because you’re used to them or it’s easy to be disappointed about the time you put into the relationship and upset that you have to now face going back into the dating game and exposing yourself and getting to know someone from the bottom up all over again.  I’ve been guilty of that myself, but as I drove to the coffee shop – set up with a simple text of “coffee?  meet you there at 10:30?” because we have a shop that’s “ours” as cutesy and annoying as that is – I realized it’s not that this time.  I missed him.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  I’m a little ruthless when it comes to dating and he’s lasted as long as he has because he’s special and he’s important to me.

It led to me wanting to talk to my dad again and get to the bottom of some of the issues. So, last night, my dad and I sat awkwardly in the courtyard of some shopping center near me and tried to have a talk.

I wanted to talk, but he kind of just wanted to apologize and say he can’t change anything and say that we’ll see where it goes from here.  I had no ideal in my mind of how I wanted things to go, but I did want it to be more of a conversation and I was disappointed that it wasn’t.  I know we can’t change the past, but we can talk about what happened to avoid it in the future.  I’m sick of not talking about things in the family, but he’s been that way for 61 years and I guess it’s not going to change.

Either way, I did the best I could and gathered more information and now can move forward with it. I know it was very uncomfortable for my dad to sit there and have that conversation with me.  No one has ever really called him on his bullshit, especially not his own daughter, but he handled it okay.

So, lots of talks in the last couple days and I feel much better that we’re not just sitting on the issues or sweeping them under the rug.

Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action. – Benjamin Disraeli

That’s What She Said

So, I was going to call this “Say What You Need To Say” and then my permalink put a 2 after it, reminding me that apparently that title is so May 4th of me.  I blame John Mayer, but this phrase has become somewhat of a mantra to me since the song came out and I was reminded of it by Plum Petals’ supportive comments on my last few posts.

Obviously I’m one to spill how I feel all over the internet, but when it’s time to get real and say what I need to say to people in my life, it’s more difficult. I was thinking about the conversation I had with my dad and how I was kind of surprised I was able to do it. I didn’t do it well, but I did it.

I finally responded to my dad and tried to take into consideration that he still isn’t really admitting fault because I know talking in circles…

me: you did it on purpose.
him: no, I didn’t.
me: you did.
him: no.

…never gets you anywhere. I let him know I just wished he had realized how important it was to me that they meet and how things could be different if he had taken the chance to get to know Lucky before judging him.

I also said that I wasn’t the only one who noticed and was offended. Maybe he didn’t realize it wasn’t just about how I perceived it and how I felt. I really don’t want to spell out for him that he needs to apologize.  A normal person would reach out. Again, I don’t expect it.

Anyway, I think in this mess of a situation, there’s one more thing that I need to say. I believe that you have to ask for what you want or you’re most likely (like 99%) not going to get it.

I’ll put it out there for him and the universe that I want to make it work.  I feel more empowered by that than by passively sitting by and feeling like the victim.  At that point, I’ve done the best I can do and then I can feel better about having to wait to see where the dust settles.

Apology PSA

Call me a politician, call me a PR-spinner, but there are a few things I’ve learned to delicately say over the years.

You don’t tell a woman she looks beautiful (it implies that whatever she did on that particular night, like if she’s just dressed up for a special event, it’s temporary), you tell her she is beautiful.  Same goes for a handsome gentleman friend.

If you’re not sure if you’ve met someone before, you tell them it’s great to see them (not meet them, not see them again).

If you apologize, apologize, don’t apologize that someone feels a certain way.  They’re allowed to feel their feelings.  Apologize that you made them feel that way, apologize for your actions or words or whatever the case may be.

Even though “I’m sorry,” sounds like an apology, when it’s followed with “you feel that way,” it’s more like a slap in the face.

Backing up, my family is not confrontational.  We don’t talk about things, we wait for them to disappear.  My dad gets away with the worst behavior simply because the women in my family allow it.  This issue was important enough to me that I couldn’t sit on it. He needed to be called on his shit, so I went to dinner at their house on Tuesday with the last of my family that is still in town from the wedding (and I waited until after they went back to their hotel).

I had my whole spiel, I felt strong, but when the time came, my heart was racing and half a sentence in, I was crying, but I was getting the words out and the short spiel turned into everything else I wanted to tell him about how hurt I was.

His reaction was not surprise or anger or regret or anything really.  With no emotion, he apologized that I felt that way.

I didn’t tell him he won, I just said what I needed to say and then went outside to talk to my mom a bit before I left.  She kept trying to figure out how she could fix it.  She took on a bit of blame because she knows she’s let him get away with his misbehavior for too long. I’ve been telling her it’s not her charge to fix it ever since.

The next morning (Wednesday now), I got an email from my dad with a more legitimate apology, another lame excuse and a request that if there is anything he can do to let him know.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s my responsibility to teach a 61-year-old man how to behave when he’s wronged somebody.  He supposedly raised me and I learned it, but now I need to tell him?  It wouldn’t mean anything if it was prompted and as more and more days go by, it will mean less and less if he actually gets around to it.

Emotionally-fueled, word vomit posts kind of bug me and I usually click away, but  I needed to get it out so thank you if you’re still around.  And if you are, let me know what you would do please!  How does your family handle conflict?  Are there things you’ve learned to spin when you say them?