Late Night Thoughts

On Sunday night, I could NOT sleep. I had a productive weekend and thought I was feeling great, but as soon as the lights went out, my mind was racing and mini-panic took over at the things I feel overwhelmed about.  I guess being productive with little stuff distracted me from the big stuff.

The big stuff:  my first maintenance issue at my house aka, my first time not being able to just call the management company; Lucky (things are still flipping 180 about every other day); puppy; work.

I was so happy when my alarm went off and I could get out of bed, even knowing I was going to be dragging, but at least I’d be moving forward.  I went to yoga and set my intention on action. 

I found two quotes yesterday:

Do not fear mistakes, there are none.

Which I needed because I’m afraid I’ve misstepped or I’m afraid to move forward because I don’t want to misstep.


Stop waiting for things to happen. Go out and make them happen.

Which I needed because I know worrying about those things will get me nowhere and all I can do is my best to get things moving in a better, more calm direction.  Action > sitting still.

I did take some steps that will help me feel more in control, but in the end, Monday kind of won and I let it…waving my white flag and taking to bed EARLY, promising myself that it might not all come together today or tomorrow, but eventually things will even out and I guess that thought was comforting enough because I slept well.

How do you save money?

I just wrapped up tracking my spending for August. Notice I said tracking my spending NOT my budget because even though I tried to make the switch from knowing what I spend to following a budget late last year, it lasted all of a few months.

I’m embarrassed to say that my spending has been OVER my earning for the last six months. Yep, I only successfully didn’t spend more than I earned for the first two months this year. Don’t get me wrong, the first two months were big savings months and the last six haven’t been radically over what I earned, so I’m actually still in the black for the year. Barely.

Naturally, with my spending raging out of control, I decided to buy a house. Makes sense, yeah? The idea was that I’d save money by owning (thank you, plummeting housing market) and in the first place I would have.  I got my good faith estimate for my new place last night and it pretty much matches my housing costs right now, but the HOA gives me more plus I’ll save on gas for many reasons, so don’t worry that I’m going to end up as a short sale or foreclosure!

Trying to save anything during the month I’m closing escrow and moving doesn’t make much sense and if all those upfront costs were included, of course I’d be spending over what I make, but that money is coming from a separate fund and I am not counting those costs in my monthly expenses.

So, taking those out of the picture, I have given myself the goal to save $200 of my regular monthly income based on my regular monthly expenses.

Which led me to the question of “how do you save money?”

Today I really wanted a Whole Foods sammie from their sandwich bar (turkey on focaccia – legit focaccia, something I have only found in ONE of their stores and sadly not the one I work by anyway – with Muenster, sun-dried tomato ai0li, pesto aioli, lettuce, tomato, roasted red peppers, panini style…it’s heaven in your mouth and you’re welcome), BUT it was only because I was driving by after running some errands and I knew I had salad and soup at work and wouldn’t, in fact, die if I didn’t get my beloved sammie. Did I just save $8? I don’t really think so. It’s more like I didn’t spend it and I’ll find out in 30 days if it paid off in the amount of $200.

Being that I decided house-buying expenses don’t count, I guess this next point moot, but with the holiday weekend coming up (and no holiday in sight for me thanks to Bridezilla my sis) I thought it would be a good time to buy the three missing appliances for my new place to “save” a little money.

Spending money to save money has never made much sense to me, but I’m still a sucker for the advertising ploy. Again, doesn’t really count as saving. That money I would have spent on full-priced appliances will stay in my house fund for the next thing I need want to buy.

I follow some bloggers who are going on spending fasts this September, but I’m not quite ready to go there yet, although it might be the kick in the pants I need. The challenge I’m setting for myself here is simply end the month having NOT spent $200 of what I’ve earned. That’s how I save money.

And…because I like goals, my other goal for the month is to leave my anxiety in August.  August, being my birthday month, is one of my favorites, so it’s kind of a terrible place to leave anxiety, but there’s no need for it in September.  I cried it out a bit last night in one of those “what am I crying over?” moments where you realize you just need to cry over nothing and everything.  Today, with the fresh start of September, I will run and do yoga, two great stress relievers for me.  I think that’s a great start. 

So, how do you save money?  What are your goals for September?

Yep, I’m Sad

You know how when you’re sad, doing things slowly and ritualistically feels right?

I’m thinking Amanda Seyfried having her hair brushed by Vanessa Redgrave in Letters to Juliet (note to self, watch sappy romcoms all weekend long).

Well, today I sipped my tea slowly.  I spent time with blogs when I maybe shouldn’t have.  I took a lunch break to take a stroll instead of eating at my desk as planned.   

When I got home, I shaved my legs in the sink, taking time instead of rushing through. I dabbed them dry with a towel fresh from the dryer and rubbed in – not slopped on – fancy lotion.

Later there will be slow, ritualistic cooking, although I’ll probably only make it through a few bites because my stomach feels it too.

My Journey Into Mental-Health-Issues-Land

I have a massage scheduled after work today, but I’m just guessing it’s going to take more than 60 minutes for the therapist to pull my shoulders down from my ears.  I have been so tense and anxious for the past few days, and while I can pinpoint a few potential triggers I cannot figure out how to calm the fuck down. 

Spin calmed me down for a bit last night, but what with my already racing heart, purposefully trying to raise my heart rate was probably not the healthiest idea.  Post-spin, my formerly-knotted stomach was calm enough to realize how hungry I actually was and I ate my first good meal in days, but this morning it’s right back to only being able to handle black coffee and water. 

On the upside, I might meet my weight loss goal for the month much quicker than anticipated.  Like tomorrow.

Panic attacks are NOT supposed to last this long.

UPDATE:  Less than an hour later, perhaps as a combination of writing it out, discussing anxiety-inducing issues via text with the new guy and running to Sprouts for some Bach Rescue Remedy (and taking said Remedy) at lunch, I feel better.  A good scientist would have kept some control variables to discover what the actual cure was, but there was no time.  I’m just glad to no longer be going crazy.