Stirrups

When you wake up on the morning of your annual well woman exam (what a cheesy name), you know it’s just not going to be a comfortable day. My experience has certainly changed over the years from my first attempt when I was 19 and thought I needed an exam to get BC to have sex, so went to my general practitioner who had been my doc since I was like 10 and he asked if I was sexually active (I wasn’t, I was planning ahead) and explained he didn’t want my first experience to be with a speculum (so awkward just remembering this convo), so he gave me a prescription for the blood clot causing patch and sent me on my way.

I’m much more comfortable talking about lady issues now (obviously since I’m writing about it for all the interwebbers to read) and fortunately I have a doc I love so much that I drive 45 minutes to see her, as I did yesterday.

The appointment started with the nurse telling me my doc had a student with her today and would that be okay, which it was. The student came in first to chat and do the beginning of the exam and she looked familiar, which I guess is a good thing, but it was an awkward first few minutes trying to decide if I actually knew her before she started poking around. I didn’t.

Then I had to have the awesome convo where I admit I stopped talking my birth control pills because of “lack of need” and when I said I was thinking about going back on them, she asked if I had any new potential partners on the horizon, which was really a nice reminder that this might be the most action my vajayjay sees all year.

Gone are the days when I shave and prepare and worry about if I should keep my socks on (I wasn’t wearing socks anyway). It was the day before my wax appointment, so literally the situation was as bad as it gets and I didn’t shave my legs, so the now TWO women staring at my cervix probably understood why there was a lack of need for birth control at this point.

My doc asked if the student could do the exam, so I said sure, but of course she had a problem with her tool (my vagina apparently has this effect on people), so she poked for a while before they switched midstream and my doc finished up. Fantastic.

But, when I went to check out I had no co-pay and I still don’t really know why (the new healthcare laws that also cover BC now maybe?) , but that did help that I didn’t have to pay for the awkward encounter!

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Not MY Baby

So, yesterday I called my date the “baby manager” from an old job. When we worked together, he was 19 and looked even younger. We worked in different departments and our only real interaction was once I had an unhappy guest who wanted to talk to a manager and I grabbed BM (he was an assistant front office manager) to appease this guest.  He was slightly less than appeased, though. He looked at this kid, looked at his name tag, which did say manager, and kinda laughed out a, “YOU’RE a manager?”

From there, we connected on Facebook and for some reason, over the summer, he started messaging me, which turned to texting, which turned to him deciding we needed to hang out, which turned to him declaring his intentions further by calling it a date. Persistent? Yes. Surprisingly confident for a younger guy? Yes. I think it was the surprising confidence that wore me down and had me agree.

He’s a ripe 22 now BTW. Six years younger than me. Me being six years younger than Yogi, but damn it feels strange to be on the other side. My aversion to younger men is typically the maturity factor, but I actually did forget at times that he was so young, but then again, who can’t act mature for two hours?!

Anyway, I’m jumping ahead of myself. I gave him two options for the date. Option 1 – he could join me for yoga and then we could hit happy hour sushi or option 2 – I could go to yoga, go home and clean up like an adult and meet him for dinner-time sushi. This yoga thing might actually be turning into a thing and I’m not sure if it’s a test (BM had also never done yoga) or more about me being stubborn and wanting to go to yoga and being like, “this is what I’m doing, you can come or we can NOT hang out.” Reason #76 why I’m single.

I liked option 1 because then I could go in sweaty gym clothes, so it would be less like a date and then it would be over earlier so I could still make my 9:30 bed time. Reasons #77 and 78 why I’m single and reason #34 why I’m an OLD lady. Fortunately, he liked option 1 too.

Or unfortunately, because two minutes in (to the date, not even into the yoga class), THIS happened:

Me: Here’s my gym card and I have a guest today. [Gestures at BM]
Check-in Lady: Is he your son?

Super awkward. We laughed, I hope she felt like the blind, evil lady she is and we went off to yoga class with a, “let’s go, Mom,” from him.

He actually did well in the class and said he enjoyed it and then we went to sushi in our sweaty non-date date clothes. He called me Mom a couple more times. We had big sake bombs (too big for me). I felt like a bad date a few times because I was not being the best conversationalist, but it wasn’t as terribly awkward as I was expecting – he let his I’m-a-cool-guy-22-year-old guard down a bit and mentioned a few other things we should do together in the future – so I guess he wasn’t too put off by my off-putting behavior.

So, it’s a question mark. I went in not thinking it would be anything fantastic and romantic and it wasn’t, but it wasn’t awful. Which is not a very sparkling review.

Either way, I definitely earned this square on my BINGO card.

No Name Update: He still can’t let it go! He sent me a text today asking if I was seeing someone because apparently that’s the ONLY reason a woman wouldn’t be tripping over her own feet to be with him. I said no, I just don’t mind being alone and he said he was surprised I wouldn’t give it a chance and I said I had, but it no longer deserves a chance just because there was nothing going on. To which he said, “okay…your call.” IS it?! Because he doesn’t seem to be okay with giving up that control and going along with what I’m saying.

 

No Points for Persistence

Here’s the thing…men who repeatedly ask you out can fall into two categories – awesome or annoying. I’m sorry that was mean. We’ll call it persistent. That’s a nice way to say annoying, right?

The only difference is if you like them and you hear from them and you go out, it’s awesome. If you don’t like them, aren’t into it, aren’t attracted, are distracted by some other shiny object and they are just not picking up what you’re dropping down, they’re “persistent” or annoying.

And then you start to feel a little bad for them that they’re so oblivious and maybe a little pathetic and you start to wonder if maybe you should give them a chance, that maybe there’s something you’re missing and when the guy you actually like isn’t following up with you, it’s nice to have someone to remind you that you’re not totally unfortunate.

I have three of these men in my life right now. Well, had. By the end of the post, you’ll see it’s actually down to two.

1. Mr. Grocery Store will not go away. I’ve ignored him AND flat out told him that I’m not interested and he keeps at it. And yes, it’s my fault for allowing him to and for responding, but I actually did enjoy him about 80% of the time, so another date wouldn’t be terrible, although I mark him as persistent because the relationship is definitely past its expiration date because it’s not moving any farther.

2. The baby manager I worked with a few years ago for some reason has set his eyes on me across social media and decided we need to go out. He’s a short 22-year-old ginger, so you can understand my hesitation. We’ve never been out, but in the spirit of saying yes and dating a bunch, I caved and we’re going out tonight.

3. Mr. No Name/No Personality who I met TWO YEARS AGO on Plenty of Fish also will not go away. It’s a twisty, complicated story of him being annoying and too cool and too busy but still apparently wanting to hang out. But his (non)personality is grating and two years have not been kind to him, so although I was kind of like, “yeah okay, we’ll hang out sometime,” a few days ago this finally had to happen:

He actually still persisted, as if that’s surprising, but a few more blunt statements from me and a final ignore I guess have solidified my stance on the situation and he’s given it up. For now.

What do you do with persistent men? I’m pretty sure I have to stop being so damn nice (previous text message screen not included).

Why You Don’t Make Future Plans

Things with Yogi were going well, if becoming a little predictable. After the kiss when I jumped off the deep end, we saw each other often, slipping into a comfortable routine where I got off work as he was going to work, so I got a little down time and then he’d come over after work to hang out (he literally only works for two hours a day, which I kind of thought would bug me, but it’s an awesome job and he’s good and successful at it and does make decent money – and no, he’s not a stripper).

He came to me, he made me laugh, he liked my cooking, he didn’t mind my crazy dog and we could just be. It was nice.

Sex came up once and I brushed it off as too soon, so respectfully he just asked me to tell him when I was ready. I wondered if we were too comfortable and decided we needed to enjoy each other on a real date again before we got busy, then decided that I was really busy on my own and if there was a man I was attracted to who was making it fairly easy for me to get a little loving, that was okay, but we might as well still do the date thing, so on Friday I told him to come over after work and take me to dinner.

Don’t call me a whore, don’t say I’m banging for dinner.  I didn’t need a fancy four-course meal, I just needed to go out. We actually ended up a sports bar watching his college’s basketball team’s season opener. It was nice to have him open my door in the rain (he really was raised right), place his hand on my back with an affectionate rub while we were watching the game and enjoy each other outside of the comfort bubble we were making at my house.

But, back to my house we went, make out we did and eventually I asked if he would wear a condom. (This IS a reasonable request, right?!)

He laughed.

But, said he’d try. WTF does that even mean?!

Four minutes later I realized WTF that even means.

Things got awkward. Not super awkward, he didn’t seem embarrassed or uncomfortable really, but he was definitely wondering how long he had to cuddle before leaving and right as I was about to call him on that, he said, “I’m going to go home now.”

When he left, I wasn’t sad, mad, upset, anything really, maybe just a little stumped.

I’ve had men tell me that basically they like to fuck on a first date to see if there’s sexual chemistry before wasting time or getting into anything “serious” which seems totally stupid, but indicative of what men deem a serious relationship v. what women deem a serious relationship. And now I kind of understand it. But, we had some steamy make out seshes and all systems were go before we attempted this so really, it just baffled me. I really liked him, but that was BAD and I just didn’t know that to do with it.

I sent him a text the next day to prove that things weren’t awkward. He responded and we went back and forth talking about our mornings. And I haven’t heard from him since 😦 Yes, it’s only three days and yes, it’s a two-way street, but I’m taking a stand on men who don’t treat me right and/or who display the classic signs of “he’s just not that into you.”

Anyway, I was really trying to take it one day at a time, but my brain jumps forward and I guess what I’m saying is that I still need to work on calming that down and take it for what it is to avoid this disappointment when those things don’t happen.

With that said, I’m off to a date with Yogi 2.0 (literally, they have the same name, talk about awkward) that I’m kinda excited about, but totally pretending I’m not.

The Face Grab Kiss

So, I’ve been on threeish dates with Yogi and while I still have some terrible online dating experiences to share and Mr. Grocery Store decided to pop back up (persistent like a game of whack-a-mole), I was thinking I just don’t have much to say because it’s smooth sailing. It’s fun and easy, I’m totally myself around him and I’m not going crazy trying to figure out how he feels.

I’m trying to take it one day at a time and relax and enjoy it, but then on date three, he kissed me and everything changed. Not everything changed like Mr. Grocery Store’s dead fish of a tongue sent any chance of our May-December fling down the drain, but like wow.

Yogi invited me over after work to let my dog run around in his yard and I can’t say no to exercising that little demon (as evidenced by his relentless pestering of Yogi’s old, patient, super calm dog and the fact that even after an hour of playing, the young one just started sprinting in figure eights around the wet yard). On the way over there, Amy Laurent the matchmaker popped in my head telling me to never accept same-day invites, but then Amy Laurent the reality star reminded me she’s done it before herself, so I didn’t feel too bad.

We hung out all night, a little close sitting and I knew he wasn’t letting me leave without a kiss. He came in with a very assertive and sexy face grab kiss.

Note: I wrote this after date three and since then we had date four (more kissing), BUT I think Amy would be proud of me for keeping myself, ahem, busy, at a Halloween party at a bar last night and keeping options open in this early stage.

Under the Belt

My Match subscription is up next week and I have definitely not used it to its full potential. I thought maybe I was just underwhelmed by the men on there – not attracted to them, not excited by their profiles and they seemed to be into endless emails that I struggled to keep going – but there’s been a shift and I don’t think it’s in the men.

Since I signed up, I’ve had pity parties, I’ve had girls nights, I’ve been out on a few dates, I’ve been kissed (in both good and bad ways), and I’ve seen Lucky in a professional context without turning it into a very personal, intimate context, so I think it’s time to get going again. I’m more emotionally ready to actively date now. It had to start somewhere and I had to get that first online date (of this “round”) under my belt.

There was one guy I was interested in, but I was NOT interested in touching base every Monday to talk about how my weekend WAS and every Thursday to talk about my plans for the NEXT weekend and it had literally been a month of that. Blah. So, I told him as much and he took the hint that wasn’t really a hint and asked for my number and actually called. I’m not great on the phone and I’d much rather use it to make plans, then chat it up over dinner or drinks, but we talked for an hour one night, then a half hour the next day, so that’s a good sign!

We talked about yoga – how he thought he should try it but was intimidated, so I asked him to join me for a sesh.  What has gotten into me? I don’t ask men out (but it IS on my Dating Bingo card, check!) and I don’t need a guy watching me do yoga the first time I meet him, but I was going and wanted to meet him and it just felt natural to invite him.

Yogi gets major points.  He agreed, he showed up, he did his first yoga class ever on a first date in the middle of an outdoor mall at a fairly busy time. Oh yeah, it was a lululemon class held in the courtyard in front of their store (I’m tempted to count it as an “outdoorsy” date, but I don’t think that’s what I truly had in mind for that square, so I’ll leave it open).

Our actual class…we just didn’t make the Facebook pic.

His willingness to try something new and potentially look stupid on a date was pretty attractive. Speaking of attractive…based on his pictures, I felt like it could go either way, but when he walked up to me, I mentally heard an immediate “yes,” another good sign!

After we made it through the class – with only a few giggles from both of us and the instructor telling him she loved him, but he could learn from me – we walked through the center (score one more point for Yogi…when I ended up walking on the street side, he gently guided me to the inside – guys still do that?!) and stopped at a Mexican restaurant for a beer and to watch the end of the ASU game. Overall, a fun, easy night and I will be seeing him again…this time he asked me out!

On My Own, Pretending He’s NOT Beside Me

I’ve had some great experiences in the past few weeks because I started saying yes. Not like that, dirty ones. I unfortunately spent the past year feeling very isolated and lonely and kinda boring because I was in a relationship in which I was the only one in that relationship and I didn’t go out and I didn’t really do things. Funny how a little time and distance can give you such perspective, although truth be told, I knew it in it, but wasn’t really to admit it or give up or who knows what else.

One of those experiences was dating a 51/52-year-old man and while, yeah, it was kinda fun, it wasn’t going anywhere and for me that’s my cue to exit. However, on our last date I got the full-court press to “be together” and “enjoy it for what it is” and “have fun” and “learn from each other what we’re meant to learn because obviously we were put into each other’s lives for a reason” all with “respect and care for each other” because we have “great chemistry.”

Translation, “I’m old and the fact that I’ve kept you somewhat interested for three dates has given me the idea that I might get lucky, so can I please, please have sex with your 28-year-old self?” No. “How ’bout now?” No.

I politely told him we’re better off as friends, he pushed still and asked what I was looking for, to which I kind of surprised myself by responding, “I’m looking for a big spark that leads to a relationship that leads to marriage and an exceptional life that includes babies.” I think my surprise was in that when he first asked I was like, “oh shit, I don’t know” and then I realize that yeah I do and it’s simple and shouldn’t be a lot to ask for and I might as well put it out there in the universe.

I think women get a bad rep as being wedding- and baby-crazy, but I didn’t say, “I want to get married next month and pregnant by the end of the year,” it’s just an optimal, long-term plan, but you have to start somewhere. Mr. GS’s flaw wasn’t that I didn’t think he’d want to get married or that I was afraid he couldn’t get it up to become a dad, it was just that there was a medium spark, bigger than I’ve had in a while, but it wasn’t IT. I don’t write men off for not being IT right away, but as soon as I know they’re NOT IT, I’m ready to move on, and yeah it happens quickly, as it should.

OMG, I might be crazy…does that even make sense? The difference between not IT and NOT IT?! I’m sure you’ve been there!

Anyway, after THIS convo was when he gave me that full court press and I just kinda kept thinking, but WHY? The relationship had outrun its usefulness. That might sound cold, but I don’t need to be with the first guy who comes along, I can wait and I like to be alone. Not any more or any less than I like to be with someone, but I don’t mind it. On my own, I get to do my weird single behaviors, I get to train, work when I want, hang out with my dog and say YES to life without checking with someone else first. Mr. GS and a lot of men I run into online seem to hate being alone, but that’s not my problem!

[Blogging breakthrough! While writing this, I realized I may be protecting myself from getting into the same situation I had with Lucky – emotional attachment to a relationship that’s not going anywhere – by jumping out quickly, but I don’t think I’d be afraid to jump IN if it was right.]

Sometimes I worry I’ve been single (or as good as single) for so long that I’ll be a disaster in a relationship, but for now I think it helps. I don’t miss it enough to go diving into the first thing that comes along to get back to it. I can say thanks, but no thanks to guys who try to get too familiar too fast and the relationship will progress naturally (which, for me is quasi-traditionally).

Are women better at being alone than men? Do you stick around to have fun in the moment in a relationship you know is not right for you?

Phoenix Dates!

Since I had made plans to see Mr. Grocery Store before I found out how old he was and got skeeved, I went out with him again last week – still fun, still a bad kisser, but this time, the punchline was, “and then I got carded.”  Yes, the waitress thought I was under 21 and said later that she thought it was a set up because he looks like a cop and apparently it seemed odd. I’ve decided he could pass for early 40s, that’s about where I thought he was when I met him, but he obviously did NOT get carded. Still unsure where this one’s headed.

In other news, I joined forces with some other Phoenix area single ladies to document our dating adventures on a new blog…check out the humor, horror and hope that is dating in your late 20s and early 30s at www.phoenixdates.wordpress.com.

Don’t worry, I only stroked his ego.

Last night was my date with Mr. Grocery Store. I will admit I had a little pre-date freak out thinking about it being my first date since the break up and longing for the comfort level of an old relationship and the person I so wished Lucky was… but he’s not, so I calmed down and took the first step toward really moving on.

Side note: I am unabashedly a TSwift fan again (I like the early “Tim McGraw” stage, but I couldn’t handle “Love Story” and jumped ship, but I just got back on) and just yesterday I heard her new “Begin Again” song and it felt fitting.

Anyway, so the date turned into a two+ phase date…four to be exact – check out my updated BINGO card :). His idea was to start with Mexican apps and margs, then sushi and sake, then froyo, then we heard live music and wandered into a mostly empty lounge for a listen and a nightcap. We went to a big center that had all of those things, so it was just a walking multi-phase date (I feel like the driving denotes more commitment). Every now and then, I really actually like a big, formal, go-ahead-and-try-to-woo-me type of date with men I’ve met organically somehow v. the job interview dates that usually come from online guys.

And it was nice, we didn’t run out of things to talk about and we didn’t end up talking too much about working out – something we both enjoy, but I hate to focus on during dates because I start to think the guy is one-dimensional and I have to assume he gets the same impression of me when that happens. We talked about things that would be great to do together and I had no concept of time during the evening – quite surprised we snuck into the yogurt shop right before I closed because it seemed like no time had gone by at all.

So, if the date had ended there, this post would end here and we’d all be happy and hopeful.  But, it doesn’t. I don’t really know what to say or even how to feel about the rest.

He walked me to my car (he had offered to pick me up, but I’m not cray cray) and we hugged, made plans for date #2 and then he kissed me. And it was nice, until he started to really kiss me.  To say his tongue was like a dead fish would be insulting to the sashimi I had in my mouth earlier in the evening.  It was much more exciting than that kiss.  I actually laughed a little and tried to push him away. Today he texted me that I have nice lips and then we talked on the phone and he said it was a great kiss and I just didn’t know what to do with that.

And if this story ended there, this post would end here and we’d all be a little disheartened, but we’d all think he did well enough for the whole rest of the evening to deserve a second chance. But it doesn’t.

I need to fill you in on some things I’ve left out of the story so far…he’s in great shape and from what he says, super active, but I could tell he was older. His hair is shaved short, you know how balding guys do it, and what’s there is pretty much all gray. During phase one, I decided he looked like Bruce Willis. An attractive man indeed, but Siri tells me Bruce Willis is 57.

All night, I caught myself saying things that made me feel like I was displaying my young age in an awkward way, but at some points I was maybe kinda trying to get him to ask me how old I am or tell me how old he is.  He didn’t. During the kiss, while I was laughing, I was also trying to figure out how it’s possible to be THAT old (age, still unknown) and such a bad kisser.

Anyway, I was curious, but not dying to know, I was more concerned with figuring out how I felt about the kiss bomb to be thinking about the age bomb that was about to go off. When we met at the store, I gave him my card, so he had my full name and I assumed he had done some online homework (who wouldn’t?) and this morning, I got a nice, little email from LinkedIn telling me that Mr. GS (+ his last name) had viewed my profile. Thank goodness for LI telling you who’s creeping on you, right? Of course, I jumped on Google and clicked on a YouTube video of a news story about him training to climb a big, snowy mountain…

At 1:02 in the video, the voiceover says, “48-year-old Mr. GS…”

Hold the fucking phone. It gets better. Did I mention the newscast was from 2009?! In 2009, I thought my 30-year-old boyfriend was robbing my 25-year-old cradle. What a difference three years makes.  And what a HUGE difference 23 years makes.

Thoughts I had today:

He is old enough to be my dad. (My parents were older when they had me, so he’s not actually my dad’s age, but he’s a heck of a lot closer to my dad’s age than mine.)

What if he has kids older than me? (We didn’t talk much about our pasts.)

I’ve never known a world without the keycards in hotels, but he has. (This was after one of those super weird stream of conscious thoughts, but that’s how old he is y’all.)

OMG OMG OMG, I kissed a man in his 50s.

Yes, age is just a number, but I’m not sure 51 is a number I want to deal with.

Well, it works for Bruce Willis. (She’s exactly 23 years younger too!)

And of course…at least he got a nice ego stroke out of going out with a hot 28-year-old.

So, there it is – the good, the bad and the old and decrepit. I’ve skeeved, but I don’t know if it’s a deal breaker, because it didn’t bother me until it was a real number and I do find him interesting and attractive. But dating just 10 years old hasn’t really worked out for me recently, and I’m trying to shoot for the 29-33 sweet spot. And 51 is a little off of that, you know? And while I don’t want to make assumptions, what a still-single man in his 50s and a hopeless romantic woman in her 20s are looking for are possibly worlds apart.

Is it a deal breaker? How would I even go about breaking the deal? It probably wouldn’t be shocking to him if it’s an issue for me, but it just seems petty and close-minded to judge him based on something other than who he is.

Stop the texting madness!

I changed my number over the summer, which is nice because now a good number of men from my past can’t passively, randomly text me when they’re feeling lonely – I do feel bad for whoever got my old number though (I’ve had three people contact me through Facebook, Twitter and WWF to tell me they attempted to reach me at that number and got a “I don’t know you, stop texting me” message…and those are just the ones I’ve heard from)!

However, now that I’m online dating again, I feel like I might recreate that problem all over again, so I’m trying to not give out my number too much because I don’t want to endlessly text men I don’t know – which is what a lot of them seem to want to do!

How do you stop this?! This is what I mean by lonely, not like his penis is lonely, but like when he needs someone to chat over text with or something.

I actually met a man organically over the weekend – I was going to do a separate post, but I’ll just spill –

I was just talking with some girlfriends earlier in the weekend (including a new reader…hi, new reader!) about how to meet men and I said that guys don’t talk to me in public, which is true, I’m just unapproachable..I blame the chronic bitch face, but on Sunday I was kind of on the prowl. Straight hair (left over from a party the night before), a low-cut top, short shorts and tall wedges to hang out at not one, but TWO Starbucks and then the grocery store?! Yeah…so maybe my vibe was more welcoming than it usually is. This guy at the grocery store – so cliché! – teased me a little about how long I took to pick packaged salad and then made another comment…he was clearly just trying to talk to me, but I checked his hand and saw a ring, so kinda just walked away, but then as I wandered around, I wondered if I had misjudged what hand it was on and was going to find him and go with “sorry, I thought your ring was on your left hand, you can continue to hit on me” but we ran into each other again in the cheese/beer aisle and he struck up a convo on his own and I verified the ring was on the right hand and we chatted it up –

and he seemed normal, confident…asked me out and I thought we could be done with it until our date where we could get to know each other better, but he got home and started texting me, which is okay so then I have HIS number, but I didn’t need to text all evening or know what he was putting on his pizza. So, seriously, how do you stop this? I don’t want to be rude or have these guys think I’m not interested…although if they are the kind of people who endlessly text random info to strangers, perhaps I’m not interested!

[Today, he texted me a hey what’s up, but I kept it short, then just a bit ago, I got a “just finished a work out, my legs are so tired.” Not only do I not care, but it requires no response, so that’s what he got.]

Why don’t these men know to quit when they’re ahead?! Texting is totally killing romance and the excitement of meeting and getting to know someone new. I’m over it, but REALLY, how do you stop this?!

Also…since my hair was straight when we met, do I have to keep up the farce or just expose myself as a curly girl and get it out of the way?!