Overpromise and underdeliver, duh.

I’ve been singing Xtina’s “Beautiful” for the past few months ever since NBC started promoing Smash and FINALLY I’m settling in to watch it. I feel like there’s been so much hype, especially in the past week (this is probably because I watch NBC every morning and they’ve paraded the stars through all those talk shows) that I’m afraid it might suck.

I recently started reading The Hunger Games and similarly felt there was too much hype. It’s good. I like it, but I was expecting soooo much after hearing so much about it since, you know, the cool kids read it and started talking about it forever ago.  I actually borrowed it from my boss’s 10-year-old because he’s cooler than I am.

Anyway, this post is also overhyped. I really didn’t know if I’d come back here or if I was done with this blog/time in my life.  It got taken down around Christmas for being spam so I emailed some dude and was like, yo it’s not spam, it’s just me bitching about my love life and I guess he felt bad for me?

I’m not past the bitching about my love life and it’s still all over the place.  I found out today that “just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you” are the 11 most awful words and so much more complicated as a whole than you would ever imagine. 

That phrase actually just barely beats out “I’m [here/doing this/watching this], but there’s just one thing missing,” as the top things dumpERs should never be allowed to say to dumpEEs without getting their balls kicked.  Hard.

Other than the blog thing, I survived Christmas and the forced family fun that came along with it. The fam situation is still sticky, but I’m focusing on other stuff and doing my own thing and figuring out my new normal and rewriting roles for the people in my life.

And thinking of vacation. Because who doesn’t need to get away every now and then?

On This Lovely Friday

1.  I told my sister I didn’t choose to spend money on the Alaska cruise next year.  That phrase has become very empowering since I’ve learned it.  To me, it says, I’m not poor, don’t feel bad for me, I’m in charge of my money and make smart decisions that are right for me.  It was true, but it was a culmination of many reasons that made me not want to spend my money on it.  For as much as she was talking to me and checking in with me, that shut her up pretty quickly and validated my decision.

2.  My office holiday party (happy hour) is today.  I work in a small eight-person office that is a remote location of a huge corporate office in beautiful San Diego.  The SD office has a big party and monthly events like happy hours, bowling parties and running groups throughout the year.  I appreciate that the bossman here makes an effort to so similar things for us, but still feel a little left out!

3.  I’m going to try to look hot enough to get hit on by the older men that like to go to this particular bar, but not skanky enough so that my coworkers’ wives say nasty things about me.   

4.  Then I might go out for my girlfriend’s birthday.  Or if I have a glass of wine, I might go home and go to sleep at 8.

5.  Tomorrow it’s Christmas shopping or bust.  I have no gifts, no ideas and just about no holiday spirit, but I have a deadline, so I’m going to get it done if it kills me.  It’s years like this that make me think it’s kind of a stupid holiday when the meaning is forgotten and it becomes about forced gift giving and all.

6.  Sunday I’m going shopping for me!  I got a nice bonus from the nice SD office and am going to buy clothes like I haven’t bought clothes in a looong time, because I haven’t.

7. Lucky has a radar that flips on anytime I’m feeling mentally tough and ready to deal with the split.  I feel like Chelsea.  Or any of the Teen Moms really.  Sometimes I watch that show and thank goodness I’m not so young and stupid anymore, but sometimes I am so young and stupid.

8.  I have some mantras I’m repeating to myself about being better, deserving better, there being something and someone great and wonderful out there for me and they’re kind of working and I’m kind of taking him less seriously.  Eventually I’ll get to the point where I don’t respond to him right away if at all and then to the point where I run into him again and think, “seriously?!”

9.  On Facebook the other day, the married guy I dated early this summer changed his status to “married” to his wife again.  I actually just think it’s kind of funny.  He was very honest and upfront while we were going out that they had been separated for a while, but for money reasons were still living together and I really did get the vibe that she’d be cool if I ended up meeting her.  It didn’t feel shady at all, but still I had to give him a hard time for giving me bad dating karma, but he says I gave it to myself for dumping him (I met Lucky) and that they WERE ON A BREAK.  And we’re going to take our dogs on a doggie date. Happy endings for everyone.

10.  In the world of entertainment, I watched One Day and The Change-Up this week.  I liked One Day the book better.  I think it had to do with Annie’s accent.  I liked The Change-Up and found myself googling what it is that Leslie Mann and Olivia Wilde do for exercise because they both look hot!  Leslie remains a mystery, but Olivia is all over the board with running, spinning, yoga, has hit the weights for roles, but in general walks with her dogs.  NYK.

Priorities

Lucky and I had a talk about priorities last night. It wasn’t a great talk, but it was an important talk. It was a “good for you, bad for us” talk. Basically I want more than he can give right now and he knows that and doesn’t want to disappoint me, so we’re…well, who knows what we’re doing? We’re going to make it up as we go I guess.

He’s entwined in my life in many different ways right now, so we’re definitely entering a learning phase of this relationship.

While his priorities are elsewhere, mine are too. For the next month or so, my priorities are:

  • Closing on my condo, moving and decorating.  Remember when I mentioned that Lucky is my realtor? Yeah, entwined.
  • Tanning. I got a good base at the beginning of the summer, but since then, Arizona broke some kind of heat record so going outside wasn’t really an option, let alone LAYING around outside. It’s cooling down (low 100s!) and with a few weekends left until my sister’s wedding – and my new, darker hair that’s giving me a Snow White complex – I would like to build that tan back up.
  • Getting skinny(er). Okay, so my goals for the wedding are to be skinnier and more tan than my sister. There, I said it.  One of us gets to be the married sister and one of us gets to be the hot sister.  Both goals are pretty much slam dunks at this point since she stayed in her I’m-in-a-happy-relationship-so-it-doesn’t-matter-what-I-look-like frame of mind and never achieved full bridezillaness with any crash diets or crazy workouts.  If anything, she might go fake-bake and we would have an orange situation on our hands, but that would just be funny.  
  • Avoiding wedding talk. T-minus 37 days.  Can it just be over already?  It really is at a critical level at this point and I have had about enough. My feelings were legitimately hurt when I went to brunch at my parents’ house this weekend and my future bro-in-law was the only one to actually ask me anything about what is going on in my life. He’s my new favorite. I usually feel guilt when I avoid FFF, but I feel worse when I have to listen to them talk about that shit for hours. Luckily, my move gives me a nice excuse to stay on my side of town (if they ever thought to ask anyway).
  • Reading. I need a good, distracting book to lose myself in. I just finished one and am going to the library today for my next few victims.
  • Catching up with my favorite TV shows when they return for the fall season and scope out some of the new stuff that is, thank goodness, not reality TV!
  • Avoiding exes. I think I successfully offended #2 when I congratulated him on achieving the lifestyle he always wanted to rub my face in (yes, he literally said that to me once), but letting him know I was still unimpressed without mentioning new boyfriend’s(?) lifestyle and all the cool things I’ve got going on (not that he asked either…good thing I’ve got my blog, I’d have no outlet to talk about myself incessantly otherwise). See ya!

I promise there’s some legit shit going on as well, my life is actually fulfilling with a small part devoted to this fluff, but I save that for my other blog.  For you?  I let it all hang out.  Gosh, you’re welcome 😉

Women and Hair

I kind of surprised myself the other day with the length of the post I wrote about my relationship with my stylist, but that says a lot about my relationship with my hair, a relationship I believe that is intense for all women, even the ones (like me) who claim to be low- to no-maintenance.

I just spent a weekend in Vegas with my group of college girlfriends. This group collectively believes that my power with men is in my hair. You see, I do the grow it out, chop it off dance. I have chopped it off to donate it about three times since high school.

My luck with men has certainly ebbed a flowed a bit and I haven’t charted it as it relates to my hair’s length expressly, but when these friends remind me of THEIR superstitions about MY hair, it makes ME superstitious!

When I off-handedly mentioned “my boyfriend,” in Vegas they were, at first, hesitant to believe I actually had one. I think more because I hadn’t mentioned anything, but our relationships sadly aren’t really like that anymore, but I was at least slightly offended at their disbelief. Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve found a guy to stick around long enough for labels, but it’s not totally impossible!

Anyway, when they realized I wasn’t actually kidding, one acknowledged, “well, your hair is getting longer again, so it makes sense.” That’s how much they believe in the power of the hair.  As reference, I think it’s mid-length now, some people have commented it’s long. 

Point further proven, the gentleman who checked us into Minus5 at Monte Carlo had to take a breather when he put my jacket on me and then explained, “I love your curly hair. I just want to pull it straight.” “Well, hello, stranger, nice to meet you too.” Some men really do love it.

I get my hair cut maybe twice a year (no-maintenance!), usually only after my home-trimmings have gotten out of control and I need professional shaping assistance, but I got it cut about a month ago (the new gym enticement). At the time, I simply asked Lucky if he had a preference for short or long hair. He said he didn’t and that was that, just a quick check in to make sure I wasn’t making a fatal error, but I didn’t need his permission or even his opinion.

I wasn’t even going to mention I was getting my hair dyed today, but I told him about my appointment and he asked what I was getting done so I had to tell him and of course ask him if gentlemen really do prefer blondes (at least if MY gentleman does).  He doesn’t really have a preference and I was going darker regardless and he’ll like it because I look good with dark hair.

One of my pet peeves is when women talk incessantly about their hair (kind of like how I am RIGHT NOW). As I said, I totally believe that it’s an intense relationship, but it’s also a very personal relationship. Women will talk back and forth forever about length and color and should they do this, should they not do this and whatnot.

What they don’t realize is that they are boring their conversation partner to tears and they need to be a big girl and make decisions they want to make, not ask people until they hear the answer they wanted to hear all along.  This goes for a lot in life, actually.

I go back and forth quite often, but to myself. Perhaps this is where I differ from “typical women” because I’m introspective about a lot of things and rarely express that outwardly (well, except maybe here).

Speaking of…another pet peeve of mine is women who say they don’t like women or that they’re not a typical woman or stereotype women as a gender when really, everyone is unique. Oops.

I’m going to stop talking now.  And go get my hair done.  And then talk about it to people IRL who don’t care either.

The Hairy Truth

It’s so easy to take someone who’s been in your life for a while for granted. To begin to wonder what it’d be like to be with someone else. Usually, almost immediately, you regret such transgressions.

Sometimes you admit it to the person you have betrayed. Sometimes you omit it, which is just as bad.  You pray that he or she doesn’t directly ask you because you wouldn’t be able to lie then, but until they do, you just omit with bated breath.

Yes, you’re reading all of this right. I’m a cheater.

I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my hair stylist, Miss A, since I was 14. FOURTEEN. I’m 27. That’s almost half my life.

My stylist with her own beautiful, long, curly hair was the first one to teach me how to tame my own locks. More than that, she taught me to embrace the curl.

I have followed her to three different salons, she did my hair for my prom, she was the first one to straighten my hair for me. She’s colored, weaved, relaxed and chopped. 

When I was going to college in California, I would schedule appointments with her when I would be home for the holidays or summer. 800 miles isn’t too far to go for a hair appointment, right?  In a pinch, I tried out other stylists in California, but none measured up.

I was quite happy to move home, more so because I moved to an apartment two miles from Miss A’s salon.

Yet, even though she is so close now (now more like 20 miles), I’ve strayed. My mom tried to get me to her stylist…a girl with my same name who talked to me about vampire books while dying my hair an AWFUL shade of purpley reddish-brown. Yes, it was all those colors and it was awful.

That’s when I made my vow to not ever dye my hair again and to never trust anyone with my hair but Miss A. Of course, I broke both of those promises.

The dye was a post-breakup decision that resulted in RED tips. I only had one friend true enough to mention it and I’m assuming it was because it was so awful no one else wanted to lie to me.  I damaged my hair further by Googling how to get rid of semi-perm dye faster.  Don’t do it. 

Morehairdramalater…I broke my no other stylist rule when my new gym waved their fancy salon and ridiculously cheap intro prices in my face. She wasn’t terrible, but I missed Miss A. So, now I’m going back to her and I already feel at ease.

The catalyst being…A. my habitual desire to warm up and darken my hair in the fall (even though it’s so not fall in Arizona) and B. awful pictures from a weekend trip that showed me what my hair actually looks like. It’s time to fix this ish stat.

Isn’t it nice to have someone who understands you? Miss A is like an old friend who I haven’t talked to in a while, but we can always pick up where we left off. I called her up to make the appointment and she instinctively knew exactly how long my hair is and even though I’d forgotten what my natural color even is, she remembered and assured me we’d get it to the right shade and not damage my hair any further. Ahh. 

When I go to the appointment, she will know how to cut my hair without me having to explain the different curl patterns.  She’s the one who first explained them to me after all.

So, here, on my lovely little blog, I’m admitting that not only am I a cheater (but that Miss A will love me and take me back anyway) but that I’m officially giving up on one of my 101 in 1001 goals to not dye my hair.

An Adult Weekend

This weekend, I was an adult. What was so adult about my weekend?

I played a lot of things by ear and wasn’t immaturely stuck to my routine. I was busy, which was a nice change from my lately lazy summer weekends!

My relationship with Lucky hit a new level. A level where we did a whole spectrum of things together – errands and boring things, family things, romantic things. A level where I spent an unexpected afternoon hanging out with him in my sweated-in spin and yoga gear, sans makeup, sans any kind of hairstyle. And it was comfortable and it was fun and it was nice. And I felt pretty. I think feeling pretty and comfortable in your skin is quite adult.

I redeemed myself with a REAL cute adult dress and adult heels later that night when we went to an adult dinner – a SECOND birthday celebration because I’m a very lucky lady like that. I ate a piece of his steak and I tried escargot! He later told me it was one of those little tests you do early in relationships – less about eating it and more about being willing to try – and I passed 🙂

Oh, and this morning? I put an offer in on a house! How’s that for adult?!  I had a very adult conversation with my pops about the whole thing, a conversation in which I wasn’t so much asking for his opinion or permission, just telling him what was going on. 

I’m trying to be quite 50/50 on the whole thing, but I’m very excited at the prospect of purchasing the house, fixing up the house and moving into a place that’s all mine!  I even gave in and joined Pinterest to gather design inspiration.

And now I’m having one of those cranky Sunday evenings where I don’t want my weekend to be over, even though I have very exciting things to look forward to this week!

26 Lessons

On my last day of being 26, 26 things I learned while I was 26:

1.  Showers and hairstyles are optional.

2.  Heel season is November to April.  Other than that, just wear flips.

3.  Quit asking how you’ll know if someone is someone special.  When he is, you’ll know and you won’t be asking.

4.  It’s never too late to go after what you want and it’s always worth it.

5.  It’s never too late to change what you want.

6.  You and rum do not get along.

7.  You and too much sweet wine do not get along.

8.  Try new things.  You’ll like some, you’ll hate some, but just try them.

9.  Being who you are is much more fun than being who others think you are.

10.  Traveling alone is fun.  Going to the movies alone is sometimes better than going with someone else.

11.  It’s a good idea to reverse gravity every day.  Twisting wrings out your organs and releases toxins.  And yoga doesn’t make me feel like as much of a hippie as I expected it to.

12.  Do the thing you don’t want to do, then it’s over.

13.  Say hard things.  You can’t hold that stuff in. 

14.  Do everything in your power to avoid having any “what might have beens.”

15.  You can enjoy the sun without getting burnt.  Sunscreen is your friend.

16.  There are much better things to do with my time than stare at the computer, watch reruns or worry about men.

17.  Letting go of friends is scary, but easier than you’d expect.  Same with making new ones.

18.  Riding a bike is FUN and will make you feel like a kid again.

19.  Going off birth control as a 20-something isn’t weird, it’s not a bad idea at all.

20.  Do stuff you like.  If you find you stop liking it, do other stuff.

21.  Be nice to the short guys and not just because they might have tall friends.

22.  Loving your family unconditionally is the only thing you can do.  Be grateful that you were blessed with them and accept them for who they are.

23.  You are always supported.  If nothing else, the ground will hold you up.

24.  Volunteering really does more to help you than the people you are volunteering to help.

25.  Even if you scream about a work-life balance and how the job you have does not define you, having a job you like is super important.

26.  Seeking advice until you hear what you want to hear is silly.  Trust yourself with your decisions.

Note to self: Most of these things were learned this summer. Since I apparently have a short-term memory, I will start my 27 list earlier!

Timelines

Let it be noted that Saturday was the official day that my mom expressed that her biological (grandma) clock is ticking.

It was a birthday dinner for both my future bro-in-law and me. Sis and FBIL were discussing how his sister is eager for them to have kids since she just had her first and she wants the baby to have a close-in-age (hopefully girl) cousin. They said they will have one in about a year at the very earliest because they’re basically gonna start trying two months after the wedding.

Mom: “I’m just happy you’re talking about having kids so soon.” And there it was.

In all honesty, talking babies two months after being married seems crazy to me, but it works for them (and apparently for my mother as well).  Timelines are so personal and I don’t think we should look at or judge others’ nor do I think others should look at or judge mine, but perhaps that’s the bigger concern about them…that other people will judge. 

Like weddings and babies, everyone thinks they did/will do it right.  And they did/will…if they do what’s right for them.

So you know what?  F “other people.” I’m looking to, in fact, live my life…as I was meant to, as I want to, as it happens.

As it happens is a big one for me. I’m a planner and think ahead quite a bit and I’m not sure how to change that, but I’m trying. It’s hard not to think in terms of timelines – timelines as I always thought they’d be, timelines as compared to others’ – but I’m working on being grateful for the now. 

So, where does my mom’s revelation + my desire to do what’s right for me leave me?  Yes, it’s nice being the younger sister; the weight for getting married and having babies is a little lifted, but I still feel it. 

My girl Oprah says:

God can dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever dream for yourself.

The timeline I’m meant to have and the NOW that happens in it is better than the timeline I spend so much time and energy trying to control and it’s better than the timeline that family pressure tries to impose.  Letting that roll off my back and giving up a little control is good.  Repeat.

Quotes like that seem to make their way into my life when I need them. Sometimes through blogs, movies or yoga instructors. I think on them, I write them down, I go back and connect the dots.

Today I collected my thoughts and created one of my own. It’s a good thing I’m not famous because this is probably not cohesive, let alone helpful, but it’s what I’m focusing on today:

If you want to do something, then really do it. In the moment, without what might have beens or what might bes.

I think that the life that comes from that will be better than any timeline.

The End of the Week Brain Dump

I want chocolate in my office, but then I remember there’s a reason I don’t keep chocolate in my office. It’s a vicious cycle. Thank goodness there’s no vending machine around.

I thought about cancelling my internet.  I usually hate the advice that always tells people to cut the little expenses, but I already don’t have cable and buy coffee from a shop maybe once a month (and just found an awesome place that sells it for $0.50 hot or cold with free refills). But when I saw the $35 charge for internet come through this month, I considered cutting that out. My complex offers free wireless if I take my computer near the community center (and if I take it IN the community center, I would also get cable) plus I’d be less pulled into the computer…more about being social than interacting on social media, maybe get some writing done instead of jumping on the internet…but (sad realization now) without the internet, I couldn’t justify no cable because I always say I don’t need cable because I can watch my shows online. #singlewhitegirlproblems

If the advice in the book I picked up at the library yesterday, “Stop Getting Dumped” pans out (shutupdontjudgeme…review coming soon!), the author says I’m getting married in under three years, which seems like a long time, but it’s a lot more realistic than the books that claim they’ll get you to the chapel in 90 days.  If I’m married in under three years, I’m married before I turn 30.  Barely.  I’m going to be 30.  Fuck.  And I’m going to be 27 next week.  Fuck. 

It’s really not all about getting married or a timeline. 

I’m not entirely sure I was dumped.  Currently it feels like a hiccup and I think Lucky and I will work it out.  I think the book will teach me to behave more sensibly and teach me how to rein him in to behave sensibly so we can get back to growing a good relationship and we’ll see where it goes from there.

My proud, inner-eight-year-old-gymnast needs to CTFD in yoga because I REALLY didn’t need to take on the challenge of a minute in wheel when the instructor asked for any kind of back bend.  She suggested making it the hardest thing I did all day…accomplished and now I’m paying for it!

Online shopping for business attire totally qualifies as work-related and -appropriate activity.  I’ve been in the corporate world for five years without any real need for professional clothes, but am attending a two-day conference as a presenter next month so definitely need to step it up.  I think I’d be most comfortable in an easy dress, so now I’m on the hunt.  Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

Things I don’t want to spend money on in the next few weeks (but have to anyway):  professional clothes; my car registration; nude shoes for my sister’s wedding (there was a whole shoe trying on party to determine what color is best with the dress and she’s drilling in that we should get wedges because it’s on grass – there are no appropriate nude wedges); the second half of the dress for the other wedding; there’s more, but we’ll just say, “anything wedding-related.” 

Things I wouldn’t mind spending money on, but don’t really have the money to do so:  dresses…I had a dream last night that my closet was filled with pretty, pretty dresses; girlfriends brunch on Sunday; workout clothes…I’m still wearing workout clothes from college days and considering how much I work out, that’s redic; massages, facials and pedicures, oh my; an extra day in San Diego when I’m there for work.

My coping mechanisms seemed to have improved.  I took my stress to the gym this week.  But I say seemed because yesterday I took it to the gym, but then took it from the gym to the grocery store for brie and chocolate.

My pattern of good, recent weight loss was no match for the brie night.  The chocolate is surprisingly still unopened, but I think I’m making something from CCK’s single serving archives tonight. 

It was cloudy and hot and gross out when I went to work at 6:30 this morning.  I love me some monsoons, but I have pool lounging plans this afternoon and they better not be ruined.

I work in the financial industry (but I’m not a financial smarty-pants or anything) and am not a fan of the special reports and all the buzz about the market.  As a wannabe home buyer, though, who can’t really afford anything good right now, I’m okay with it.  Although, I guess if I lost my job, I wouldn’t be able to afford anything even if the prices fell more.   Another vicious cycle.

I’m not a fan of being the only female in my office.  I just had a meeting during which the men were screaming over each other and when I found an in, I started to say something and was ignored and interrupted – twice. 

Thank goodness it’s the weekend!

Don’t Be That Girl

As with all big life events, I found out about my friends’ engagements via Facebook last week. Actually FOUR of my friends announced engagements online in the past week, one of whom is divorced and therefore officially lapping me, COME ON!

But we’re going to talk about the friends who are marrying each other. I grew up with the guy and got to know and become friends with his girlfriend once they got together.

His announcement was a “She said yes!” That’s cute, that’s sweet. And then he posted pictures of the (absolutely ridiculous) ring. That makes me want to throw up.

Her announcement was, “FINALLY!!!”

Yes.  With three exclamation points.  That makes me hate the player AND the game. I mean, really? As the dude, doesn’t that make you want to kind of take it back?

Lately I’ve been wondering when you go from being a normal person who wants to spend the rest of her life with a wonderful man and celebrate that with something simple and fun surrounded by family and friends to someone who dresses up nine of her “closest” female friends in obnoxious, expensive dresses and arranges the ladies in order of height, hands the DJ a three-page long DO NOT PLAY list and threatens to cut her poor, wonderful man because he said he liked the calla lilies over the Leonidas roses, or worse, that he didn’t have a preference.

When I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago, I decided that if I could hide a pregnancy, I would because the second you start to show, everyone and their mom wants to talk to you about their pregnancies and babies.

EVERYTHING at the shower was met with a “when I had my Marsha…” or “that’s the best [fill in ridiculous baby apparatus]” and even a few, “well, that’s nice, but my Marsha always preferred…” from one of the attendees in particular. Mommyjacking at its finest.

Being a relatively small person, for some reason people like to comment on the fact that when I do get pregnant I’m going to be huge and I’ll be put on bed rest and can I even physically have kids? Mind your own business…why are you even talking to me about this?!

Whatever, I might look a little silly.  Or adorable, we’ll call it adorable. It’s not often you see a small woman on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. As a healthy 120-pounder (with abs that I’m already mourning the loss of), I’m sure other people will notice when I start growing a basketball on my front side.

But as long as I can hide it, I will because I do not need nine months of people telling me how I’m going to do everything wrong and how hard it is and that my names are stupid (I already know that, but I like them).

Similarly, as much as I’ll want to be THAT girl who tells the whole internet what a tool my fiance is for taking so freaking long to propose and then bore them with the obnoxious details of wedding planning, I do fully intend to hide that.

I’m not the first person in the world to get married and since everyone who’s ever planned her own wedding considers herself a wedding planner extraordinaire. I see a long engagement as an invitation for months of unsolicited advice being thrown at me about what they did right and what I’m doing wrong. No thanks.

And that’s how I feel for now. You know, until a man puts a ring on it and I turn bat-shit crazy.