As I kind of mentioned, I’ve been talking to Lucky off and on. I initially felt like I couldn’t tell him enough that I wanted to be with him regardless of the family situation, but then I found enough. I could only hear him say, “I want to be with you too, BUT…” so much until I really heard what he was saying.
So, since then, our communication has been at his initiation. Genuine phone calls to make sure I’m doing okay with all the stress. We slip back into the easy conversation we’ve always had. While the “how did this go?” and “what’s going on with this?” questions remind me how nice it is to be his person and have him be my person, they’re also a sad reminder that we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to and we’re updating each other on things that have long since passed.
They’re friendly phone calls, no real flirting, no real talk of seeing each other, no endless DTR talk, which is nice, but I’d like to be skipping it because we’re on the couple side, not the couple of friends side, but that’s just how it is on the phone calls.
But then there are the check-in texts.
Last week, he initiated contact with a sad we’re apart text and we texted throughout the day about wanting to be together, but by the end of the day, he wanted to be with me BUT again.
It’s not fair and I told him such. I told him he was checking in to make sure I was still in love with him and I was, but if he didn’t think we could be together then it wasn’t fair and I needed space.
Uh, yeah, I told him I loved him (we were on the phone by this point, but I still would like to say it to him face-to-face). His response was the same. So, yeah, we’re in love post-break up (we hadn’t said it before). Awesome.
Probably a few weeks ago at this point, I got a text from Rebel. Hope everything is okay, miss your face, blah blah blah. But I didn’t respond. I feel a little guilty because I know what it’s like to be on the other end where you put yourself out there and don’t get a response. Even though it was in a friendly way, there’s more emotion behind a check-in text like that and everyone who’s been in a relationship knows that. I feel like I did him a favor, but hurt him at the same time.
So, now I’m left wondering why it’s easy(ish) to ignore him while I’m quasi-ignoring Lucky until he wants to come back and then hanging on every word while he keeps me at arm’s length.
Well, I mean, I KNOW why…Rebel was not for me, he always liked me more than I liked him and I love Lucky, but my brain knows I need to move on. It should be easier since my brain KNOWS he’s playing games, but I guess my heart HOPES he’s not.