You know that classic question of if you knew your friend’s boyfriend was cheating would you tell her? Or, if you had serious concerns about a person your friend was going to marry, would you speak up?
I experienced the latter and didn’t. I left that to her cousin who tried to break up the wedding the night before. They got married young – she was just 21 – after a tumultuous relationship and a super-fast reconciliation, engagement and wedding.
If I could have seen what the future held for my friend, I might have helped. Instead I (along with the cousin) stood up as bridesmaids the next day and it went off without a hitch.
This friend is three years younger than me and I’ve known her since she was 10. She’s the closest thing I have to a little sister and I cherish her.
Because of that, for a while, I tolerated this husband – his brash-in-your-face-know-it-all-holier-than-thou-borderline-misogynistic attitude – as did her family, but all of us with whispered concerns over his controlling, and potentially abusive, behavior.
Then as he and I spent more time together – it’s been two-and-a-half years and now they have a baby – it became a mutual distaste. I’m not too sure what’s not to like about me, I mean I’m pretty awesome, but his personality grates me and if mine does him, that’s fine.
But the other day, their combined Facebook account said something to the effect that he was excited their son was coming into his work, and yeah his wife was going to be there too, but “eh” and went on to say that she needed to bring him dinner and not just Kraft mac and cheese crap, that she better start warming up the oven.
I stewed for a day, then three years of frustration with this kid came out. I simply responded with “Do you wonder why people think you’re an asshole?” Because he is and they do.
Within a few hours, I was not only defriended, I was blocked. I heard from her a day later and she said she had something she wanted to talk to me about.
She was upset because she thought it was harsh. I let her know having a husband who talks to you or about you in that way isn’t healthy or normal.
She told me it was a joke and anytime he says anything like that it’s a joke and I just don’t know him very well. That’s who he is every time I’m around so either that’s who he actually is or I will never know because I don’t care to dig deeper.
She said she also took it as a knock at her because it was a knock at her partner. I’ve never been in that serious of a relationship that I would know what that feels like, but I can see where that might be true. I assured her it was just because I wanted to call it to his attention but it’s not a reflection on her.
She expressed that she wished I had talked to her privately instead of now having to deal with the outcomes. I wanted to call him out, stand up for her, and I knew if I said something to her, she’d brush it off and not say anything to him and he’d keep talking to and about my friend that way. She deserves better.
I didn’t want to cause any problems for her. I figured it couldn’t strain my relationship with him any further, but now thinking back on it, it’s very rarely I see her without him around, and I definitely don’t want to lose her. She’s not allowed very many friends (yeah, I know) and I’m sad to think I took one of the few he tolerated away.
Perhaps that makes me a hypocrite, being a jerk to him in a public forum for being a jerk to her in a public forum.
So, with all that said…thoughts? Have you been there? Was I that far off? What would you have done?