Sex and Red Flags

For those not familiar, eHarmony claims to be amazing not just because they match you with people based on compatibility, but also because they have a three-step guided communication process to get to know your matches (this is one of the reasons I find them to be actually just kind of annoying). 

The first step after viewing your match’s pictures thoughtfully written profile (that doesn’t actually contain very much, or very relevent, information) is to send five multiple-choice questions you pick from a list of about 25.

One of these questions is something to the effect of “how soon are you going to let me bang you after we meet?” Well, okay, it might be more along the lines of “what are your thoughts on premarital sex?” But, you KNOW what’s being asked.

And this is what kind of skeeves me out about online dating because sometimes it feels like, when it comes down to it, people like to touch other people’s naughty bits and now they’ve taken to the web to find someone who will allow them to do so.

Anyway, it’s kind of rare to get this question, but every now and then a guy will throw it in there and it always raises a suspiciously red-colored flag.  Like, really?  That’s the FIRST thing you need to know about me?  I’m sorry to have wasted your time reading the answers to my previous four questions.  You should have done the “skip to eHarmony mail” option and just asked me to send you a money shot. 

Anyway, one guy with a name fit for a four-year-old sent me this Q.  He was tall and I played along.  Plus, he was a pro golfer, and as Miley would say, “that’s pretty cool.”

Yes, the questions are multiple-choice, but there’s a “write your own” option and I usually write something like, “I don’t think it’s something that needs to be brought up at such an early stage.”

That apparently wasn’t a wrong answer and we continued through the comm stages and finally got to exchanging numbers and, like many lazy, lazy men in their 20s on dating sites, Toddler Name wanted to text endlessly.

We got into what we were looking for in a person and he said, among other things, “affectionate and likes to cuddle.” 

So I called him out.  “Ah, yes, you’re the one who awkwardly asked about sex right away.”

He said he went out with a girl who went off about how sex is a sin and realized he might as well find out early because it’s important to him.  For the record, I think it’s important, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker and I don’t think it should affect your decision to at least start to get to know someone. 

As I told him and other people I’ve had this discussion with, if it’s the right person, waiting shouldn’t be an issue because you’ll have the rest of your lives to fuck.  You’re not going to walk away from your soul mate because he or she won’t give it up before getting married. 

And yes, on the flip side, if it’s the right person, do it now or do it on your wedding day, who cares?  This is the person you love.  But, everyone has different beliefs and values and to each his or her own.

Toddler Name again asked how I felt and I again said, it doesn’t need to be discussed early on.  We had a bit of a strained conversation after that.

This whole sex thing was literally one of five red flags this guy waved in the text conversation, which only went on for an afternoon. 

So now the question is, since I’ve determined I have to kiss 12 frogs, since I don’t want to wait five months again (because five months takes us to September, just one month before weddingpalooza and I need something firmer than that…TWSS) do I go out with him just based on the fact that I know he’s gonna be a frog and he can help me kick off this aggravating process?

Now, I know the answer.  Put NO after his name in my phone and ignore, ignore, ignore, but I at least considered it.  I’m pretty sure going in with poor intentions will somehow throw off the system and I’ll end up having to do double duty or something – 24 frogs and 10 months! Oy vey.

I also realize I’m totally overthinking this, which I’ve discovered I do in the in-between.  Yes, I’ve been a dating maniac, going out with a lot of guys, wondering when I would walk away from the dating smorgasboard because I met nice guys but maybe I was BBDing* them just because I could? 

But when I found a guy who actually held my interest, the thinking disappeared.  I wanted to stand still with these guys (the two five-month bookends).  I wasn’t wondering when I would feel like NOT going on other dates, I was feeling it.

I’m too romantic and fragile for this.  So, until I find the next guy I want to stand still with and release my bated breath when he tells me he wants to stand still too, I’ll be over here overthinking.  And going out with tall d-bags who think inviting a woman over for a “movie” on not just a first date, but a first meeting, is appropriate (yeah, that was another of his red flags).

*BBDing = Bigger Better Dealing them (thanks, Patty Stanger)…liking what I had, but figuring if I could get that, I could get something even better, so constantly looking for that next, better thing.  It kinda sucks when you realize you weren’t BBDing, just seeking out something you deserve, but that you got BBDed in the process.


2 thoughts on “Sex and Red Flags

  1. I agree with your views on sex. It doesn’t need to be adressed first thing. And both waiting and going for it are cool and easy once you’re with the right person.

    You are worth a great guy. Keep hanging in there.

  2. I agree that sex is a difficult topic to broach, particularly in our society where we both laud it (see any beer commercial) and fear it (look at most proposed legislation).

    I do agree that, generally, before the first frakking date has even occurred is far too early. There’s really no point until both parties know if there’s physical attraction, and at that point things can be figured out (or “negotiated”, “debated”, “argued over”, whatever). I do think that it’s something that should be discussed kind of early into a relationship, though, because it IS important to any relationship. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s difficult, but if two people are attracted to each other, usually something can be figured out. (And from what I’ve observed in most couples (including friends of mine), “going for it” is usually the option chosen, because sex is fun. LOL )

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