I’m not a pill popper, I mostly stay healthy with good, old-fashioned healthy living and natural supplements that turn my pee fun shades of neon yellow. However, I do take the twenty-something woman’s best friend, birth control.
As we know, I don’t actually trust birth control and apparently I don’t understand WHY I take it. I once had a guy tell me, “you’re the only girl I know who takes birth control and doesn’t fuck.” Naturally he was trying to get me in bed with the very convincing, “everybody is doing it” argument. Despite not trusting it completely and not wanting to fuck any dick that walks by, I take it anyway.
Anyone who watches TV knows that if you would like to live, you should probably never take medication. Chancing death and dismemberment to fill in my eyelashes is probably not worth it. However, the side effect of NOT taking your birth control and potentially sleeping with idiots, assholes and other gems of society is a fate far worse* – ugly babies and a lifetime with said idiot, asshole or gem in your life in one way or another, unless he’s a complete asshole and honestly, in some cases single motherhood sounds much more appealing anyway.
*I’m pro-choice, but for me, that choice would always be to have and raise my baby. Now, enough with that shit.
On my last visit, my gyno suggested I try a new birth control, one of those mega-packs that only gives you a period four times a year since my body is apparently anti-period anyway.
I’m a good little hypochondriac and researched it first. Okay, maybe I was trying to figure out if it would make my boobs bigger. I didn’t figure that one out (I just love a surprise anyway and it’s not like they could get any smaller), but I did discover that there are a lot of crazy ass women out there.
These crazy ass women think that every little thing that has happened to their body since taking the pill can be traced back to that event. You started taking it and now you are depressed and fat? How about trying some exercise and sunlight?
But, if you can’t beat them, I say join them.
Just so you know, this new pill is to blame for:
Sudden onset fibromyalgia. I hurt and it’s definitely my birth control’s fault, not my cute – but married – trainer from hell’s fault.
Acne. I’ve gotten exactly one zit every six weeks since I’ve been 13 and my most recent one happened to show up after taking this pill. Obviously it’s the pill’s fault.
Chronic singleness. These new hormones are creating new pheromones that make me undesirable to desirable males. And by “new” I mean for the last five years, but this pill has not immediately changed that for me damn it! It’s not that they can’t handle ALL THIS, it’s totes the pill’s fault.
Intense cravings for Michael Buble. I love MB but lately can’t get enough. It’s not because the mere sound of his voice makes women’s panties fall down or because at his concert I found out he’s actually awkward and hilarious too (a deadly combination for me) or because “Haven’t Met You Yet” makes me feel better about my chronic singleness. It’s the pill.
Yes, I love MB, but I also love this version…
My missing sweet tooth/appetite. I now have the ability to have chocolate in the house for longer than three days and I’m not constantly eating anything and everything like a little rattie. This is actually an excellent side effect, one that the makers should market in fact. Older and wiser? Embracing self-control? No. This new pill is to be lauded.
Forgetfulness. I forgot to bring my Crackberry to work today. Fuck you, pill. My company blocks Facebook. How will I know what my cousin’s ex-boyfriend had for lunch, what the weird kid who ate his boogers in the third grade thinks of his fantasy football team’s epic win and how much Facebook as a whole is looking forward to a short week and forced family fun on Thursday? Now that I’m taking this pill, I’ll be the crazy lady leaving notes for herself all over the place…wait, well, okay, I kinda already was.
And just so you know, crazy ass women who have now found my blog by searching for side effects of this pill (Quasense shout out, y’all!), I don’t actually think you are crazy. I haven’t been sleeping well since starting this pill. It’s not because I drink caffeine at inappropriate times of the day, that I try to sleep with the TV on, that I stress out over stupid shit or even because thoughts and lists and thoughts of lists are constantly running through my head. It’s totally because of the pills. Which is much better – for now – than not being able to sleep because there are children jumping on my bed calling me Mom.